reconciliation...

i m in the process of reconciling with myself. From the contradictory parts to the parts tat never make sense. After 1/5 of a century of walkin through this place why now? Do i even noe wat i m talkin abt here?

apparently i m uncertain why i wanna reconcile, probably its the years of guilt built up in me dat any moment a slight prick will cause me to explode violently. But i thank God for a v.patient spirit. honestly i m on the verge of snapping. snapping at anything tat sticks its hand out at me. i'll smack it, bite it and tear it into pieces!

dats my sad life now... pathetic...

probably tat is why i wanna reconcile, i wanna just hv peace. i realise there is reli no solace here. My life will forever be occupied with neccessities and i will never be able to stop. i'm honestly discouraged right now, nothing but discouragements hurtled at me at speeds beyond my imagination dat i just zone out.

today was another experience of zoning out. cant believe being drugged by drowsy meds can make u actually tune out frm this place and be a machine. today all i did was eat, breathe and do work. i even skipped lunch thanks to econs for sapping out my lunch money. somehow i enjoy the thought of just being in my own world, selfish as it may be i guess all of us like being cooked up in our lil worlds. fearing dat ppl may see right through tat bubble. we feign them. we chose not to even hv eye contact. sorry for being extreme here but reli i guess when i grow up one day i'll be one hell of an extremist and may end being jailed for havin non-conformists ideas.(i dunnoe if it's legal to say this but heck i'll noe if it isnt if the cops appear at my door one day) but anyway besides the pt, i've been thinkin wat manner of greatness will i get in future knowing i will never have the life savin capability of a doc, or the skill and nimbleness of a dentist or even the combative spirit of a lawyer. even so becoming a politician. being who i am, being wat i am, i guess i m reli a nobody. they'll say so wat if i'm yada yada got yada yada...it dont matter rite...as long as ur papers are in check?

i'm starting to picture this thing in my mind whr many of us are particles on a parallell course. though we may appear side by side, we will never meet. its just a pair of skewed lines...dats all...i m beginnin to see wat it means to be alone...tat in the end its u who digs the grave and its u who pulls dat hand tat reaches out...and dat no one will go in the grave with u and carry u out...tats the human spirit...me myself and i...and its being preached across the board...only i can, only i...I...I...sighs...we are never taught the i cant...

i'm sorry i was ever born
sorry dat i knew those ppl
so sorry dat i beat my bro into a pulp
sorry dat you cant stay here, today...

where the blood rushes
and my life flows
it grows cold
frozen from pain

i'm sorry i troubled you
sorry dat i left u there by yourself
so sorry dat on the day u needed me the most
i never came at all

i guess sorry is never enough
because it will never heal
the stab wounds i caused
like an achilles heel...

i shall fade like other names
into a past never to be known
no more will they call me
no more will i come

not until i abhor me
and rid the despicable things
i've done

i noe i m alone...
i accept tat fact
i noe i can never face u
after all i've done...

but yet u look at me
in infinite mercy
you lift me up
and uphold me

in ur arms u embrace me
warming this bitter heart
u release me frm the agony
that plagued my enstranged mind

i noe u never left me
though i deserted the path
i noe u never stopped calling
even when my ears grew deaf

i had to fall
and fall i did
into ur arms once more

i was so foolish,
tat i'll never let you go...
and even if i do
its amazing dat its you tat kps me strong...

and it doesnt always hv to be this way

its like a performance and now is the time when i put on my make up. psyching myself with every stroke of the brush that the time is nigh and any moment now i'll be bursting out as someone who i'm not. someone i grew frm within. though its not me its still a part of me. artificially nutured it is ready to be released for others to understand who is he. yet many will never take tat step unless they're all extroverts.

here i go...here i come...receive me now in open arms. but i doubt tat will ever be true becoz the world today sees not who he is but rather just the shell of a chocolate eclair. surface ppl. dats all we are. we dun dare bring the shovels of questioning to dig up or the chisels to slowly deconstruct a constructed barrier. only a few endeavor at doin so. n boy do they enjoy it.

currently i m finding the words to say it...
probably i've been hit by this thought in my head dat i try to say gdbye and i choke, try to walk away and i stumble, though i try to hide it its clear...

clear tat my world crumbles when ur not near...

yes it is clear dat my world indeed crumbles when You are not near...

save me frm this place....longing for ur sweet embrace...take me away to tat far away place...whr peace restoreths my soul....

thank you Macy...


ps.
its a shame not many guys dare sing of their weaknesses. they always hv to perceive themselves as macho and strong. thnx for the front guys. but deep inside i noe we all are just as helpless as our counterpart sexes sometimes. so just let it go...all that ego...not all k...or u'll be a queer...serious...i guess its all abt control...i m in control...or so it seems :)

anyway to u lonely soul out there. slogging it out day and night... even in hopelessness a beacon will appear. dats the grace we experience everyday. the light we need but dun deserve appears unknowingly to us. be aware of those lil lights...they'll make u smile. definitely!