thank you lord...

its rather interesting how events can change wat one is suppose to do. HOnestly while postin my initial post, I din realise dat in the wee hrs of the mornin and i noe i ought to be aslp, one of my prayers was abt to be answered right in front of my eyes. and yes i'm just overwhelmed and overjoyed dat if i had signed out earlier and not spoken to this fren of mine, none of this excitement would occur.

But b4 i talk abt tat excitement, i was alr excited enough by a sign of God showing me that He is working. I was reli moved by a sharing of a fellow youth whom i can call my adopted bro, wat he shared on the online forum was a breakthrough and sign of things to come i suppose. That though i may not be able to be involved or kp check of their lives, wat this fellow brother's life has shown me is to kp up the prayer for them. That more will be touched and moved by God. It melts my heart to know when one begins to understand that in this christian life its based on a relationship and not on a set of rules and works. Of course we have to understand tat there has to be a balance of the fear of God and the understanding of His love.

This is only His sneak peak of bigger things to come.

Wells the big thing tat struck me in the mornin was how the Lord gave me a hands on session on evangelism. And boy was it spiritually draining. But the satisfaction of getting one soul a step closer to her accepting the Lord as her saviour and Lord is there. Wells the background of this story dates back to the yr 2005 when i first met her. We kinda grew close, fell apart, grew close and b4 last nite in the in betweens. BUt this mornin to be accurate, i din noe wat got into me, i just broke the duct that's been buggin me this past few days or probably the entire time I knew her. Oh wells its just undescribable, but i guess the Lord used me to tell this person that she is special and dat He loves her. (i noe pretty brief but when the time is right i will tell more abt this encounter :D)

WElls aside frm seein all this happenin as i prepared to go to bed, one thing struck me, that i could not hv done it if God wasnt with me. I lay on my bed and began to think of moments whr i doubted and din believe dat God could do it. And right there and then it all happened. I broke down (wells emo yea but this was in acknowledging of how much i need Him even more in my life) and prayed for abt an hr, listing down everythin in my life tat i've doubted him and trustin in my weakness and shame for the gospel, and after tat i began praisin Him for every blesssing. Apart frm that i dunnoe i just prayed for evert worrry, every doubt, every thing dat was runnnin in my head. i just cast all my cares upon Him. all my anxiety gone in tat one hr. One more sign of How much God loves me. Its just amazing i would say.

This 2wks is like God showing me and leadin me and equiping me to be prepared for this new battle ahead.

ANyway i woke up this mornin to confirm somethin in my head, that if my calling this yr is to be dat intercessor and to pray for the youths or ppl ard me. Wells last nite i was thankful dat durin my *crash course evangelism* i was not alone, I had someone prayin for me, and i know God was in the midst of everythin. ANd frm that companion who saw me through the mornin, becoz i shared with her tat maybe this is my callin? to kp prayin. Because God has shown me tat He is sovereign and in His timin will work. Wells tat fren of mine said hv u confirmed it with a verse or somethin? wells i said not yet? then my fren just said how bout dan 10? or maybe somethin simple pray without ceasing. Wells got up this mornin and went to check up whr tat verse came frm and lo and behold had a whole chunk of verses to tell how my life shd be this yr. WElls i suppose the whole chapter is applicable but i circled those tat spoke out to me....

1Thess 5:11 onwards...

[11] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.
[12] And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you;
[13] And to esteem them very highly in love for their work's sake. And be at peace among yourselves.
[14] Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
[15] See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.
[16] Rejoice evermore.
[17] Pray without ceasing.
[18] In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
[19] Quench not the Spirit.
[20] Despise not prophesyings.
[21] Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
[22] Abstain from all appearance of evil.
[23] And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
[24] Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.
[25] Brethren, pray for us.

I pray that i dun get it out of context, but as i look through this passage i see a no. of commands and of course a promise of comfort. wells its reli alot for me to remember but i suppose i shall write this down on a piece of paper and use it to remind myself of the happenings of this pass 2 wks. And to hold fast on my purpose to kp prayin for the youths. I'm just thankful, tat i could be ministered and be given so many things. ON the hindsight i could hv just wasted this 2wks doin other things, but God is good. ANd i thank Him for it.

My Tribute

How can I say thanks
For the things You have done for me –
Things so undeserved,
Yet You give to prove Your love for me?
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to Thee.

To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.

With his blood He has saved me,
With His power He has raised me –
To God be the glory
For the things He has done.

Just let me live my life –
Let it be pleasing, Lord, to Thee;
And should I gain any praise,
Let it go to Calvary.

With his blood He has saved me,
With His power He as raised me –
To God be the glory
For the things He has done.

I m just so blessed, and i thank God for it. dats all ican say. OH ya ppl, if u wanna contact me, i'll switch my phone on only at 9.30pm onwards. and would limit myself to just a few sms per nite lest i run out of batt hahas. but thanks for all ur well wishes ppl.

thoughts...

when will i ever stop having thoughts? Thank God for em. WElls its one of those moments where I wake up frm bed and realised how much time i've wasted "lazin" on it. LIke today kinda purposed to achieve some stuff, yet i kinda feel "unmotivated" and groggy to even move. Wells I guess it happens. Its not tat everyday we'd be a-ok? okok this is a person who is just emotional k.

Maybe its dawning upon me that its gonna be my last 2 days whr I would be so energised and so "free" to stay till the wee hrs and talk and share and listen. Gone will be this freedom of bein so close to family and friends. This feelin of knowing by the time I go online i'd be able to talk and know how God has worked in ppl's lives or just the occasional chat. I've never reallly entertained this box of thoughts b4 but somehow i couldnt help but open it and realise yea. Things will be different. And more stressingly is how will I kp myself burnin? How can I kp up this motivation, and being this light for other ppl. I suppose in the running of this marathon this is probably a period of training for me. To taste wat its like to just be that light. Somehow God has put in me a burden for ppl, the concern of my fellow brothers and sisters in the youth ministry at church. Also the concern of my own family.

Last night as I switched off all the coms, and began to close my eyes on my bed, somehow I felt somethin wasnt right, then abt 45mins later my younger bro stepped into my room, his voice boomin loudly on the phone with someone. and tat was abt 3am. I dunnoe why I was stirred frm my sleep, but listening to him speak and all I din noe wat to do. Wells for some min my mind was racing, how would I handle this, I want to slp but I cant help but listen to this conversation. Frm the likes of it, it probably was a gal on the phone, and frm the sound of it i knew it was not tat same gal he brought home b4. But somehow I just spoke. Told him to hang up a few times. Wells wat happens nxt was this thought racin in my head this whole day. I got up went down switched on the light and "confronted" him. I told him hang up in my brotherly authoritative voice. BUt somehow he din. I tried to stop him frm carryin on talkin but somehow he just pushed me aside and walked out my room. WElls probably to u it may sound like yay good he's gone, i can slp now.

BUt no. I couldnt slp. Thoughts began racing. Did i deal with the situation right? Could i hv just exerted myself and told him to stop talkin and if he so much wants to talk with he can talk with me? After dat I couldnt slp. I went to the living room and just sat there with this thoughts in my head. Is my bro hurtin or soemthin? Is there somethin dats disturbing him. Well call it my intuitive sense. Dat maybe my bro is feelin insecure becoz of his recent relationship struggle with tat gal? I just couldnt sleep. Wells I guess now I'm prayin slowly in my heart to just bring this up tonite at dinner infront of mom and dad, and just talk it out and find out wats wrong. Lets just say now i'm reli not in the mood to reli see ppl? BUt yea I noe i shdnt be too emo abt this or wat. But reli its my last 2days and i dun wanna see my own brother just destroy himself. And somehow in my heart somethin is stirring like since i've been readin this book on how the holy spirit works, maybe somethin may happen tonite? I dunnoe. BUt i just pray tat I can speak up this issue and reli talk with my parents. Coz i realise been meetin with so many ppl and i reli din hv time to spend with them durin dinner. And yea somehow feigned goin out to vivo with my jc frens. Sorry alvin. but yea its stirring in my heart. ANd yea a fren did say follow ur heart. Its nothing wrong, but who is in tat heart is wat matters :)

anyway yea i hate this moments of downess, it just leads me to my own struggles and temptations. Wells i wish i could share it here but yea i guess the Lord hasnt given me tat confidence to do so yet. But thank God I'm surrounded by Him. And He has allowed me to just come here and pour out somethings dat are disturbing me. Than those temptations.....

I guess there are many more things to say lar...but yea i guess tats it for now. Now at least I feel more purposed to do wat i intended to do today.

just as i am...

i guess i found out why i cant seem to express wat i wanna express this pass few days. Why my thoughts are jammed pack but when my fingers go on the keyboard i go blank. Like I guess this is me? This is who I am. But honestly I believe that knowing who I am and how I tick is wat God wants us to know. To be able to understand ourselves, our thoughts, our personalities. LIke why am I unlike the other guy. Or like why is it that another person can memorise formulas like drinking water while I cant. I guess its amazing that God gives us this abilities to understand ourselves. And I feel that through understanding who we are we can see how God can work in our lives? And also through understanding ourselves we can know how much we reali need Him.
In the bible its full of personalities. It wasnt full of ppl who did things for God. It wasnt full of ppl who just wanted to please Him according to how they perceive things. Who would decide for themselves that this was the way I want to please God. No. It was full of ppl who did things in obedience and becoz God wants them to do so. There is a difference, becoz if we were to do as we think, than we are just practicing a religion. But in the bible they did because they understood their standing with God.

Now this thought occured to me, the story of david and goliath. David was a shepherd boy and all he knew was how to throw stones. And during the confrontation btw him and goliath, did he use the sword and armor that Saul gave him?(read 1sam17:39) No he didn't but if u go on, he just went as he is. A shepherd boy against the philistine warrior. Now if u look at vs37 there is somethin in dat verse whr we can see dat david knows who God is. Because with his relationship with God, he was delivered him frm the animals that attacked him. And he knows dat he can and is sure by being who he is n with wat he has learnt so far(throwing stones with his sling), can he then defeat the giant with God by his side(and as his strength). Isn't it amazing that david through his experiences with God and knowing who he is, he was able to defeat the giant by being who he is?

So does God want us to go into our battles with our man made armours and swords and by wat we think would win the battle?

Wells my pt is dat if we are the christian we say we r, how sure r we that in the things we do and say that we r doin wat God wants from us? We may say we r frm this denomination and that and do this and tat but how much of u is reli in it and reli do stand by it? Wat difference does it make if one does all his practices and knows everythin abt christianity yet has never had this relationship with God or this closeness with Him? We may just be like martha goin abt our practices and preparation and miss out that one important thing that her sister mary found. That God wants us. Our attention, our focus everything to do with us He wants it. Wells I wouldn't wanna qn anythin but i wanna just say even for myself, i struggle daily to noe and to find out why things are as it is? And why I am who I am. And I realise I shdn't be troubled at all. But build on that closeness with GOd. And I thank God there are ppl who help me understand and I know its also HIm tryin to nurture me ultimately.

Now i just found out tat only in obedience will we build a relationship with God. Because that is wat He wants. And only in love for christ then will we obey. And because of our trust in what He has done for us that we are saved and are able to love and obey Him. And it is only God by His grace that we are saved.

Now therefore I even wonder if writtin as such is wat God wants me to do? I even wonder if thinkin and havin feelings for others is wat I shd even do? In this frantic search only one thing is pretty clear to me, just build upon that relationship and show that my repentance and faith is real. And in that process of knowing Him I know myself. And in doin so I will know wat He wants for me. Because as we put off our old self, God is at work. And as we put on our new self God is at work. SO why shdnt I hv a relationship when He is building me?

But unless God lets u see it, and unless God opens ur eyes, then will u noe the meanin of amazing grace how sweet the sound. And I pray that He does by His infinite grace. And even as I look at myself, I am no better than any of u. I still hv my faults, in the bible nobody was perfect except Jesus, therefore be not discouraged but be excited that God is goin to work. And I'm amazed that today I was even able to understand new truths. And in the process kp learnin and doing. Yea doing wat God wants rather than wat I want to do for Him. And coming just as I am and accepting who I am before God. And like all personalities in the bible, they all came to God just as they are and accepted who they were b4 God and did wat they did accordin to wat God wants frm them.


Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, Thy love unknown
Hath broken every barrier down;
Now, to be Thine, yea, Thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, of that free love
The breadth, length, depth, and height to prove,
Here for a season, then above,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

by Charlotte Elliot

i do not intend to paint a rosy picture of myself or anythin but rather all I wanna say is tat I am just like any of u who r on this journey. As I walk this journey, I am also ready to fall and be corrected. I wouldnt say I am the most perfect or holy person around, but all I'm doin is just trying to learn what its all abt. Through my interaction with ppl, and the thoughts tat are in my head, i cant help but think if God was there. And honestly i tried once to write my day without God, and realised how mundane it was and "boring". But somehow i decided not to post it becoz of dat reason? Probably u'd think i'm crazy for using tat reason. BUt why shdnt he be in everythin i do say and think?

my prayer...

today i met the youths at church. its nice to see em. their smiles and their playfulness. And like seeing tat this yr there is this sincere desire among them to reli live. Wells am not sure how much of em reli wanna hv this experience with God. Wat I found out today was there was this genuine feeling tat they reli wanna noe how to live a life dats worht living. Wells be it whether they wanna noe all the things to do and not to do, I just pray they realise that in the end of the day it all boils down to this 2 things.

1. Does it glorify God in all things that I do?
2. Does it edify the saints?

I learnt this as I sat with em for 2hrs plus with one of the pastors as we debated the gray areas. ANd like making things clear abt how shd our attitude be in all we do. ANd like we even discussed things like baptism, infant baptism, and stuff(pagan traditions in our church, christian music, denominations etc). What struck me was this, wats the entire motive in us knowing wats right? To prove to all that we are better than another brethren? ANd to show that we are right in our own ways? ANd that our "form" is the only form all shd conform to? I may be young, I may be still learning but one thing I learnt frm all this judgin is tat it will get us nowhere. It will make us no different than the world outside. I feel is that in some way we may be focusin too much in filling our heads with truths that probably have nothing to do with our lives. Like so wat if I noe this and that yet my life is not affected by wat i noe? Doesnt it all become vanity and grasping for the wind?

We may condemn and say its not good, we may even look down on a brother for totally contradicting himself or becoz he is doin a particular practice, but hv we reli gone to tat brother and found out wat he thinks? FOund out how God has worked in his life rather than wat he knows abt the facts? Yes i am not sayin we shdnt know. Its good to know, its good to ask, its good to argue and voice out ur qns, but if tats all we are hungering to prove that we are right and the other is wrong who will wanna be a christian? Do you noe how stressful it is and difficult it is to move one life if we just show it on paper that you are gonna die and end up in hell? And you are wrong and I am right? Isnt that wat turns those ard us off especially those who may be lost and discouraged in this world, when we talk abt this way of life?

I'm just so filled with questions now, like wondering how can one so openly change sides so easily and never reli been touched at all. Like after one mth, it all shows tat there is this unresolved thing and probably something that has always been there and not addressed and one thing comes to mind, the seeds that have been sowned, and like the different grounds it fell upon, i suppose it will show. Furthermore, because God works in his own timing, I may not be able to see the seeds grow yet and I guess this is the exciting thing, seeing the seeds that were planted grow. Maybe the harvest is yet to come? Or maybe the harvest has come and the yield is little? It could be either or noe? And this troubles me in some way, yet I am not sad coz its His work, and its His field and only He can make these hearts(grounds) accept those seeds. ANd I suppose the seeds must continue to be sowned.

The bonds and friendships are there, and I pray that this fragile relationships we have, though marred with much intertwinned knots and unknown grudges and other stuff, that God preserve them and that He unties them one by one, slowly and that some ppl will understand and feel probably for the first time God's love in their lives. Because this is all we have? ANd I pray that we/they don't fall into the same cycle once more. That cycle whr we frm dec to jan we're so zealous and stuff and come feb, march, april, may, it all dies down this fire. But this yr I dont doubt that God is at work. The "kids" are stirring. And I can sense that the church is gonna feel the pinch of havin this youth hunger for more of the teaching.

I'm thankful God lead me to speak with a sister of mine, been prayin for an opportunity to talk to her and catch up. Thank God we did, and I felt that in life we meet ppl, we lose ppl, then one day we meet them again to check on one another. And realise how you can be a blessing to them and be that check on one another's life. I pray that in watever she does, God will restore her and untwine those knots in her life.

BUt overall my prayer is that this youth know that this God is real. HOw i ask myself? I even concluded that many of us havent been moved enough or reli experienced God workin in ppl's lives to be amazed at what He has done for someone. Well I believe only GOd can prepare the hearts of this youth to be able to see this wonder...because unless God works, watever we say and do, nothing will happen.



(the song may not be the best copy but oh wells its our theme song this yr)

I realised that in this song FOr you I will live, we do not realise the real seriousness of really commtting our lives and even in singing this song. ANd like for you I will live, what does it mean? if we examine our lives be it mine, i even wonder which part of me has reli lived for him? In my life last yr I looked back and saw how I can just forget everythin adn live how I want to. Even now, there are parts of me whr I wanna live for my own. ANd today I realised how difficult it is to sing this song if u really wanna sing it frm the heart and mean it because I know its not easy to do as the song says because we are after all a work in progress. But I am not discouraged, for I noe I will just hv to let God work more in me...and boy is tat more exciting than just feelin bad for myself...

a fire...

i guess i'd say i'd thank God for today. Somehow the things tat worried me seemed to fall away. That there wasn't any heavy feelin or so. Somehow this spirit of idling just came away. And like this feeling of joy came upon me. SOmethin i've never felt in a while and somethin tat i myself dont understand why it came upon me.

Now as i think, I wonder abt this yr 2007. In a nutshell I'd say my life began only at 2005, June.On that day like one of the fisherman by the sea of galiliee was called to come. And so I did as I cross paths with someone who's planted in me and shown me the reality of this God I've been "worshiping" for yrs b4 2005. (Wells to put it simply my life b4 June 05 was one tat would probably take up more posts than this) Wat I experienced and what I've heard and seen frm this person can be summed up as amazing. And I wasn't only blessed with one but 2 ppl in whom I saw wat it meant to be overflowing with God's love. And how they make this God seem so real to me. That besides being almighty all knowing and all powerful, He can be my freind encourager and source of strength. And in all unknowingness I can depend on Him for strength.

Not sayin my life since then has been one of pure perfection or pure holiness and being so righteous and stuff. But I guess my understanding and knowledge of this relationship has I suppose grown. Come 2006, this was the yr I guess I missed Him the most. For 6mths of the beginnin of the yr I was this disgruntled child who was angry at why ppl couldnt understand that it was the heart that God looks at not the form. This was due to the whole upsetness that i din mind till the beginning of the yr after my christmas play production. So Jan feb march april may june just became somethin like a routine. ALthough I did do wat i enjoyed. Got the gold in SYF and all, but somehow somethin was lackin. Even my grades din seem to show wat i could explain in words. I was studyin, probably not enough. Flunked almost every single test, be it chem maths or econs. only gp a disappointin c6 to be proud of which would put me in the 50++ or 60++ percentile of the cohort while the rest were like among the 20 percentile.

I thank God dat somehow I persevered. Even when my frens were feelin hopeless I always told myself there is alway hope. If we just stick to the plan and just kp working. But neither did I noe dat somehow I too was feelin the pinch of hopelessness as I felt the weight of revising and understanding all this crazy formulas and combinations suddenly hit my head.

Then came this opportunity to go to Thailand. Tat same person came calling again askin me if I wanted to go. I guess I just said yes becoz I wanted to see wat its like to be on such journeys. And wonder what would God have in store for me. I'm not sure when I was asked but since I had no prior commitments at all I just said yes. Then the whole thai workshops started. And we learnt all those mimes and stuff. I'd say it was difficult to come on a saturday afternoon where I shd be studyin at home and memorisin the mechanism of organic compounds. But I guess thank God dat i was able to pull myself out and see and learn. MOst of the stuff I guess I alr knew. The mimes and stuff. But it was the language dat i was hesitant abt. If mandarin had tones and I've alr havin probs with em how much more thai?

wells i'd say i just went through with it. And it was not too bad. I think the most impt aspect of those lessons is this. THe part abt learnin the thai songs. I guess God din purpose in us to converse in pure thai with em, however I think what He purposed was that we learn the songs. And boy did we noe how impt those 8 songs were to us. And how in those 3days the children could sing them again and again over and over again. ANd not once did the intensity of their singin changed. And I guess with these songs and our labour of teaching them to sing it and our constant blunders nvr failed to communicate our hearts for them.

Wells more on that later.

I suppose God has his purpose. After my syf stuff, I was completely left with nothing else to do but study. I did. I tried. Then came common test. Wells flunk. Then prelims, improvements in all departments but still 2 flunks. I guess tat was it. 20 days to A's and all i could say, how can I do this. than 10 days. I whined days I guessed to my frens, and all they could give was the same ans. Hang in there. or just study. But nothing satisfied my nervousness and weary. Than I suppose becoz the thai lessons were suspended for sometime, and i was told to come back, so I did. And we were sorta learnin our theme song.(ok some order of events may not be as it is...hahas goin as how disorganized my thoughts are i'll straigten the facts if u tell me if its wrong esp the time line. COz i kinda lost track of it.) God will make a way. And I guess God did make a way. In the lead up to the A's to calm myself I prayed and sang. When I came to sch while the rest were all still piahin their notes I prayed and said, God this is all I can do. Empower me Lord. SO for all papers all those days my mind was like, watever happens I know God will make a way.

Even now as I await my results, I know how I did, and some of the papers are reli scary...But I know in me I dare say tat even if I fail my A's i'll still go somewhr wherever he leads. Watever doors open or shown by HIm I'll take it. I will not be brought down by it. After all I've gone through. I know He will not abandon me.

Wells I guess out of all the months of 2006, the most amazing mth was december. Its kinda funny tat I am gonna call myself the foolish december christian of 2006 who forgot the blessings of 2005. Why do I say so?

Simply because thats what happened. In dec alone I got pleasant reminders of how blessed I was to be whr I am today. I learnt in chiangmai that God seeks not perfection, but wants willing servants to be vessels for HIm and through Him than perfection is seen. I guess I've talked abt this b4 in a previous post. But I suppose the blessing I forgot was the failure of my j1 lvl in 2004. If not for tat failure I'd be sluggin it out in camp servin my ns and would not be able to experience wat I've experienced. Even in dec, God somehow showed me tat He is working among the youth at church. Tat He is in control. I guess today I can say Lord its all in your hands becoz I know all I can do is just lift up this ministry to you. Coz I know I'll be in NS and wont be involved much. But i can be a prayer warrior for em. Just as there are prayer warriors for me. And I'm so blessed to hv met someone whom I hv unknowingly met yrs ago. Funny how God leads ppl and makes their life's cross and they be a blessing to each other.

Also in this mth of dec

wells u can press the play button now....



(supposed to write this in a previous post but since I'm reflectin so be it bear with the length ppl)

I suppose when the word Paraiso(paradise) comes to mind, I will always remember the family I hv in my country the Philippines. Becoz out of all privelleges in life I've never experienced the privellege of an extended family. Ppl who hv that same surname, and that same commonality we can call family. This trip in 2006 to Manila, Ilo Ilo and Dumaguete broke down all feelings of resentment i had for my country. The feelin of anger at it not being able to provide for its ppl and allowing so many evil things to occur. Namely havin corrupt men make laws and havin good men gunned down. Where money rules the authority as some would say. I'm not proud of this country I was born in. ANd after 15 yrs returnin to manila, my birthplace, I saw a beauty tats distinct frm all places i've been.

The warmth that the ppl give there, the service. But I suppose my heart goes out to the lost there. Somehow when my dad mentioned he wants to take a grp of youths to philippines and expose em to the street kids ministry in manila and to the rural areas in palawan, something burned in me. This desire to pray that if this was what God wants the youth to do.

After chiangmai and all the struggle we've been through how would my dad be able to manage it. and me how would i feature in this installment of God's plan? I mean I've been fed up with the political system and stuff and the kids hv to beg in the name of "pasko" for a peso or less just to earn extra pocket money? SOme pick trash and so on. HOw could I a fellow filipino allow this kids to live such a life? So i kinda purposed that I ought to do somethin for my country rather than expect it to do somethin for me becoz i suppose it has done somethin for me. It has made me seen how blessed my family is today. That I am here in singapore.

ALthough my brothers see paraiso as the wild lifestyle of beer drinking and eating to ur hearts content, for me paraiso is to see my land a country with dignity whr i can say it is paradise not only for me but for those of my fellow country men.

Big words I noe frm a small man. But I believe its not impossible when I hv a big God on my side!

ANyway wats my life ahead for the yr 2007? ARmy is one, two is this, my greatest desire is just to burn consistently this 2007, no more foolish dec christian. ALso for my bros, esp joel, he'll be alone in sch now and knowing who he is he may do somethin foolish. But i guess its for my bros to discover that somethin I've found. SOmething only God can show.

He's been faithful. And I dare say after all i've been through can i therefore say i'm hopeless. ANd its funny, how i've thought how hopeless i've been when my life verse has shown He was always there for me....

Ps 32:8 "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye."

what's there to fear? speaking abt 2007, I pray i'm ready for God's nxt installment in my life.

into the corner once more....

hahas intended to finish 2 entries b4 this. 1 on my trip back to philippines and 2 some entry that's prolly related to this entry. But oh wells currently my mind suddenly went to a high alert and i'm so in a mess dat i myself an unsure how this entry will turn out but oh wells i guess her it goes. Whether it be literal or abstract i guess its up to anybody to decipher. Wat i mean here now can mean another thing to me the next time i see it. I guess tats the things with humans, we always change our perceptions, our feelings, our aspirations. We lack the consistency i suppose. Even me. I realise dat and I am guilty of it...down to the very bone... and i guess this is some lingering thought...

a womans intuition spells danger for a man
For he can never decipher reason
As best a woman can
A man can focus on something and forget the other
A woman is aware of everything yet wants no other
Than attention from someone who'd give her fodder
To feed the pangs of a longing that can never be found
In a single receipt after a shopping spree...
I know you beg to differ
And so do I but honestly if you look at the mirror
There are two different minds here
Yours and mine
Man and woman
Guy and girl
We're wired differently
So explains the expectations we have
For example if I forget its a demerit to me
But if its you who forgets its just silence you'll see
I hate to differentiate but I can't accomodate
All this thoughts anymore...
Its like a tug of war
Between me, you and He...
For days I wondered why it stopped...
This certain longing, missing thingy...
I struggled and prayed day and night
What was this all abt...
And now the clock has struck 12 and it seems
The fairytale nite is over....

sorry if i sounded abit MCP...no intention to defame the other side of my fellow sisters or so...just feelin abit uptight abt somethin now. I reli reli dunnoe how to handle it this time. Its the hesitation of breaking somethin precious in my hands in return for something much precious on offer. But I hate to be the one who destroys someone. BUt if everythin is all in His time and will such an explanation be even acceptable to you?

I look back I see the smiles of a time I knew was special. But now it seems those smiles hv faded to a moment so jaded dat the new smile i hv today is finding it difficult to surface in fear of leaving a smile tat was so wide it melted a part of me... but the smile I hv is even brighter than b4....why the hesitation?

I'm sorry its been a mth...and its reli been a long mth of silence btw the gulfs. And even as I type I noe this gulf of misunderstandings are growing ever so big. I din mean to. And dun read too much into this. Because as humans be and humans do....we are always on this brink of insanity...and wat we mean today means somethin else tomolo and the day after tat and so on... So to conclude...its into the corner to think of this "horror" and its 12more days b4 all is lost...dats how drastic I'll think and limit my time here. BUt watever door appears i'll probably take it and never look back...

It reminds me of a story whr a person looks back and becomes a pillar of salt....but the ones who din look back din reli end up livin a life worth livin...sighs...

true happiness is wat we all seek...but somehow now i dunnoe how to make u happy....