i know i din miss anything...

i know if i write this entry i'd be contradictin my previous entry, but anyway ppl, arent we all full of contradiction? well maybe just me.

anyway i've come to this conclusion tat all i need to do now is to do nothing. Just do wat i noe, wat i can. To believe in wat i do and dun care abt wat others say, coz in the end of the day wat matters is that i hv let go and let God. NOt sayin i will sit down and do nothin and a miracle will happen. No no. it doesnt work dat way, God doesnt work like dat.

its funny dat after wks of askin for Him to speak all along He has been. Through ppl i meet and circumstances and i guess nothing beats it when u get it frm the Word. I know u'd think i'm crazy or fanatic or wat. But b4 u judge me and think tat this is another one of my thoughts tat wonders in my head, let me say its not.

i din noe today would be such an encouragin and awakening and sobering nite. Coz all this while wat am i looking for isn't the qn. Becoz i alr hv it and now i must use it. I just hv to believe. No matter wat the teachers say, and i say i m reli hurt by wat u said and though i respect u, sayin such a thing just does it for me. There is a limit and i noe ur doin ur duty. BUt like i said, this time i'll just push it aside and let u just do ur job while i'll do mine.

and now is reli the time tat i hv to do mine. Watever time i hv i gotta use becoz i noe i wont hv this time again. Watever moment i hv, i hv to live it. I noe I may not hv the grades or history to show anythin. ANd i noe i m laggin way behind in some things. BUt the more i think and wait and wait. When will i start? I hv started something, but getting bogged day in day out and with no sense of lift or hope at all who'd wanna continue?

you were right when u said it was my choice to live such a life, and u were right to say ppl told me and i din listen. And now given this time and hr, there is no more time to talk and get confirmation coz it is there. I got it, i hv heard it and even at today's meetin we talked abt it.

i noe my weaknesses is dat i can never follow a plan, or wat not. I look at my greenbook and look at the crossout tasks, the more i cross out the more i hv to write down. And sometimes i dun even cross out. This is intense. I can even see it in my frens and my fresn see it in me.

i m troubled. I m worried. I m afraid dat i cant make it. But i noe my nature i can never do this. but today i read and there is a promise that anything is possible to one who believes. And if i kp my good courage my i would be strengthened.

i noe i m in a period of depression and stress, with things at home at a neutral reaching negative state, i noe i can still stand. Which explains why i will. why i get passionate when u directly challenge my ability.

we are capable u noe. dun put me down. You put me in the stereotype. Probably i m helping u. but now it doesnt bother me anymore and it wont. trust me.

this entire wk i was on my way to giving up. this whole wk i even thought of takin the leap. i noe there is no escape. even the ppl u thought u can seek solace in cant comfort my disturbed spirit. today however i felt comforted that i noe there are some out there tat relate and understand my needs, who dun judge me straight away but just want to listen to me. who'd utter words not just of comfort but also of earnest concern. And when i speak they noe i m not a lunatic.

i just hv to kp on believin. coz i noe i can even the impossible can be possible coz dats wat He said to me. And it can only happen if i start doing and b4 i do, i'll hv to surrender it all. becoz i noe without Him i am nothing. WIthout Him, i wouldnt hv seen wat i hv seen and heard today. And i noe without HIm i wont be able to do.

how foolish dat my pride gets over me
how sad that i forget who carries me
day and night through storm and fog
He lifts me up and holds me close
Shielding me from cold and heat
Taking the bullet rather than me
Though I push Him away
He won't let go
Tightly He grasps
Yet gently He holds
Pulling me back into His fold

..................................................................

so much words, so much words. BUt words are words. But now i'd like to shift the focus away beco after all its not abt me.

i'd just like to say that hey ppl out there muggin and wat not. Life's more than just the books. Reli. And i noe many say this and i noe its not an excuse not to do wat we ought to do sometimes. BUt i guess no matter how we hate it like i m right now. I guess we gotta slog it out ppl. And not be presumptious like i was a few hrs ago. We just gotta hv faith in ourselves tat we can do this. And i noe many are doin wat they gotta do. SO am i.

and i m grateful dat tonite i was with ppl i could just be who i am. Not judged at all or measured by wats on the outside. Coz reli it all comes down to whr ur heart is. coz there your treasure lies.

i noe i can go on. BUt time.

3things
1. Learn to number my days. Coz I noe not wat happens tomolo.
2. Learn to see things frm His perspective and be aware.
3. Even if I m feelin lousy and. Be a light to someone. Coz who noes i'll be a blessing to someone instead.

its my life. my choices. but i noe that i hv help on wat i need to do.

Thank You Lord.