november rains...

in a sphere feeling everything is not within control. Its like losing grip of somethin. Now that dec has started, it somehow started on a sour note... NOting how lil wkends i hv and dat today is a day of seeing some faces i get to see only once a yr for the nxt dunnoe how many yrs of my life... I feel so robbed dat it just had to happen as such... Plus i guess another feeling is dat, i guess i hv to live a life dats so unpredictable. Its not as if i hv a choice or wat. If i did i would put everythin in it lar...but...

Wat do we do when nobody listens?
Who do we seek when everything seems silent?
When you go unheard, who'd bother?
AS much as I'm overwhelmed by me
Who stands out in the midst of this darkness?
Who'll stick out his hand and pull me through?
Who'll say those three words and lend me a shoulder to rest on?
AS much as I'm overwhelmed by me
Who'll be beside me?
Who'll say I'm not alone?
Who'll say let's carry on?
WHo'll say let's sit and pray as we go through this together...
As much as I'm overwhelmed by me
I conclude...
Nobody but You will fulfill my needs...
Nobody but the very warmth of Your words will soothe my soul
Nobody but You can lift my life frm this silence
NObody but you can make me see and jump for joy
NObody absolutely nobody can calm this frustrated heart
I conclude...
I'm missing You again
And it's me who let's You go
And it's me who just forsakes you
And it's me who looks upon my guilt
And it's me....
Not you because I need You

Sometimes I feel tat its no pt telling how you reli feel. Because honestly I think its just my character to not say wats inside lest I be provoked to say it. But most of the time when I do I just implode. And wat comes up is a mesh of things tat reli dun make sense... HOnestly this feelin is probably close to that feelin on the night when i slept staring at the stars all alone. BUt its no pt repeating it, the past built me to who I am...

If i let it repeat it just means I didn't learn. BUt am I in the verge of closing up? Someone throw that wrench to kp me open...

I've been v.emo lately...I guess its frm the fact I'll be leavin my boys and embark on a new journey with my new boys. As if there is no closure for me. But even if there isn't I just pray for strength and perseverance to carry on. ALso i guess its becoz this dec, is tough. ANd i pray ppl understand. ANd i just kp doin my part. ANyway I've gotta go now. And i guess now i noe why they say november rain...

its another chapter closed, and the memories will just remain as it is...till we meet again someday on this journey called life...

Its funny, reli it is. My upcoming december would be one busy one. Laden with much uncertainty. There is a performance, my new boys and a project to do plus the building, mainitaining and renewing of friendships/relationships. Honestly as the year is drawing to an end, I've been thinking of the prayers I've prayed at the beginning. The thing abt consistency, I believe God's given me a particular consistency that I am please abt. And I remembered that I did ask for it. And honestly thinking of the opportunities of being involved in the activities and reli reli missing church ppl, its reli somesort a blessing. ANd it seems my life on the island seems to be blessed as well, as I said in my previous post, I was privelleged to hv met these boys and I pray that they carry on frm whr they left. And I won't say I did it all, there was of course the meetin of my fellow frens on that island as well who hv put their share of work. So for my dec, I just pray that the one thing that kps irking me and kps making me go back to the same crossroad just goes away/calms down/just gets answered. BUt watever it is, I know He'll give wat's best. I can only do so much to plan ahead. Am reli excited abt the prospect of inspiring more lives. Maybe in future who noes wat part I'll play in ppl's lives. But all in all I just pray that I'll be satisfied. And being satisfied is reli difficult in context to our times. And reli sometimes I just pray that I dun be too proud and noe my limits...And just be teachable...

Do we rely on signs to decide our lives?
If so how who sends them?
Do they come by chance?
If so are they dictated by some being?

How does he know us?
Do I assume its a he or a she?
How does it do it?
Because it can be anything or anyone...

Just a random thought... honestly some ppl will never think beyond a certain line, once the reach it they will push further upwards but end up only diggin deeper beyond tat line becoz they can never find an answer to the question they are asking... Dats the world today and its seen everywhr...

As artists, if we drive our art by the hate we harbor against the world, wat good would you do to this world that has more than enough hate?

An after thought of today's fact frm a survey in an art sch. And its sad to say art tends to the individual, and the over indulgence in the self only ends up in repeating what some greats could never come to...

in summary...

I don't intend to make this long. But if I do, I guess its just in the flow.

Anyway, do you know how it feels to see lives changed? Wells today on our march back, I felt it, and if I hadn't held back I would hv teared all the way back in camp. Over the past wk, I saw the fruits of labor and hardwork. I wouldn't say it was all mine and I do not wish to take all the credit for their success. As much as I am proud of wat I've done, I m more proud of them for reaching whr they are now. Thank You.

If you hadn't taught me, hadn't moulded me the way I am, hadn't touched my life, I would not have been able to do wat I've done. And as much as I see them grow day by day, I honestly owe their success to You.

How could I describe them to you all. You just hv to see em. And I can say that they hv made my vision come true. As much as they get moody and stuff and become ill-disciplined and slow and watsoever, I can see that growth.

As much as there is to celebrate, there are things that go through my mind, like after this now wat? How do I carry on to my next batch of boys? How do I treat em? Becoz they will be different from this special lot.

Only YOu can show me how.

Sometimes,

weeks pass by so quickly, that the things you wanna share just build up. ANd when the time comes to tell it, you just cant or the opportunity slips pass. Sometimes it gets how do you explain it, the feeling when you just wanna share...share with someone who would just listen. BUT that's not quite a prob. Gettin used to it. Just sharing here and there and as I realise I end up tellin the same ppl the same thing again...

Strength and discipline and humility.

As empty as my life shd be, I say it isnt.

Its as fulfilling as pursuing a degree, a career, a life partner...

Its how we see it, approach it, do it....

Perspective...

HOnestly to my boys,

From the bottom of my heart I pray that you gain some meaning from your years whr you are.

SO in summary....

That's abt it...

*insert expression....

relieved to be at home for a substantial amount of time. Not sayin i'm complainin abt wats goin on. BUt if not for the loss... I wouldn't feel so this way. Ok no one died no one got hurt and i am fine except for the fact tat i lost it. I lost tat thing u hv to bring along wherever u go. Tat thing tat u use in order to consume products. And honest i've pieced up 3theories and apparently 2 are a dead end and the third is half dead. The only other theory I chose not to believe was dat someone actually walked in my room and took it... Wat a time to reli need a listening ear huh...

wells let me carry on ranting i guess.

SOmetimes i wonder If i'm being too hard on myself. COncealing the real initial feelings. THe normal reactions of how one should act. Its funny how i can just not show my sadness. Its the facade tat's easier to pull than reli show who u are inside.

ITs easier right? To put a defense than be vulnerable and open to the slightest attack(wells attack not in a bad way).

ANyway honestly even though things happen i guess for reasons, and i cant help but wonder why out of all times things happen at this particular moment. oh wells if i were to insert an expression i'd be confused coz i'm not sure wat to feel...

okok enough of the self pitying. SOrta organised my head on wat steps to take to tackle this situation. Rather then let it overtake my senses and worry, shall be hopeful. If hope fails, than i hv to do wat is required...

"I've stumbled upon a treasure chest, and I want to share the gold. But as I begin to share it, I can't help but think why not keep it all for me? Because the more I share the less I'll have. The more I give the more I'll lose. Like a slow rotting disease, the thought etched its way into my soul. The poison began to clot my ability to see beyond the giving.

Like a modern day shylock giving had to be restricted, reserved and have a specific gain. Without a thought for the needs of others, I only see me...."

"What makes you give your last cookie away?
Or help me clean my room all day
Why would you let me use your stereo
or save me the middle of your oreo...

Why do you always try to be
there when I really really need you
There to care, you're always willing to share
Love makes a friend be a friend like you
Love makes a friendship and turns it into
SOmething to last your whole life through
Love makes a friend be a friend like you...

What makes you give your heart away...
What makes you open up and say
All of the feelings that you hold inside
All of the feelings that you try to hide...

Why do you always try to be
there when I really really need you
There to care, you're always willing to share
Love makes a friend be a friend like you
Love makes a friendship and turns it into
SOmething to last your whole life through
Love makes a friend be a friend like you... "

Was looking for this for quite some time. AM actually seeing pretty far. And am making some plans to reach that which i see. BUt the fine line is, whether wat i see i wat God sees...

We all plan, we all want to make a difference somewhere. But is tat whr we ought to be? Or is dat wat we ought to be doin?

Day by day, clues are falling. But the challenge seems mounting... I ask how will I do it. THe only answer is... just... There is never a place for giving up. Never a place to say it cannot be done. Never a situation to hard to overcome. BUt we dont overcome it alone. We dun overcome it alone. Many things we can do by ourselves, but the joy of doing comes in the sharing....ANd the burden of loss is divided when many are one...