weird...or r we?

This mornin i saw a schizoid. I laughed. Not at him. But at the ppl's reaction. Got me wondering... do they react tat way coz they arent like him? Coz he is weird? I mean I felt like I wanted to do somethin for him. BUt how? Well I guess ppl react the way they do becoz of plain ignorance. Coz they cant believe there are reli ppl among us who r like dat. Good thing he did wat he did today. So how do we react? Well i take for granted i laughed at others coz i felt it was weird wat they were doin. As if he wasnt human lar...but oh wells...one thing i wanna say

if u think ppl are weird just becoz you dun approve of them. think b4 u speak. how normal are you? and wat do u define as normal? just becoz u blend means ur part of the crowd? And who makes u judge to judge who is weird and not?

thought of the day... till u rebel against ur innerself...then u begin to deconstruct ur whole self and find a new meanin in everything... we have to free ourselves first... Thank you Gandhi

fam...

i wish i was never born at all...

reality....

get our act together...
get mine together...
the final countdown...
its approachin nearer...

i m nothin...

piak..

dat slap...

beautiful minds...

i discovered somethin really wonderful today. in simplicity life is gr8. realised this thought for the past few wks while i went back to doin somethin i loved a long time back. now in touch with it again, a part of me starts to beat. a part of me begins to feel again. today wat i saw, were not imperfect ppl...they were in their v.own beautiful ppl with wonderful minds.

it is ppl like us who believe we are able to do everythin tat shd be ashamed of our abilities. i mean i look at them with respect and admiration. their smile, their gratitude, it can all be spelt out so easily. i mean its we who label them. its as if they had a choice. we label ppl as we perceive them but never for once looked at ourselves and like reli think of the abilities we hv and why we arent usin em... worse... we kp on living not thanking those tat got u to whr u were... well i guess i m guilty of dat too...

somethin struck me today... i think i'd had enough of being a back bencher and watching others future be ruined becoz of my apathy. not sayin i m doin justice or wat but i honestly feel dat we shd stop expecting things for ourselves and accept tat we didnt make the best of it and just move on hoping tat the others will have a better day.

the silence today was deafening... it was as if the whole world was on me... sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing?

i believed that believing was something i wanted to believe in and not just make believe that wat i was believing was nothing worth believing in the first place. if we believe then what does it mean to believe in the beliefs we have? its a qn i m askin myself...

i believe there was a reason we kp holding on... and i m thankful u had come and the more i am ard u i realise the imperfections in me. i see my flaws whenever i m with you. but i m happy u accept me as i am... i guess if i didnt mean anything, you would hv gone away a long time ago...

in weaknesses therein lies the opportunities... i see wat it means now...

we all hv minds, but all minds are not one. unless we align, than it will be beautiful to see, minds as one.

admit this sometimes i wish i was born with a disability so that i would treasure every part of me... if we understand the life we live, it'd be meaningful enough coz we chose to understand it the way we want it...

last thought... passion. if passion is there to make the change it will happen. but how can one candle do it to blaze the way for a new direction? passion... if u have it, nothin will stop u. but like a candle passion lasts only for so long... how then can we carry on this flame? pass it on?

well i learnt this faith lesson, we must conquer our "gezers" and cross our jordans. i have reached my jordan....

it feels good to be able to feel my heart again... i noe i can make this happen... not for myself... not for you only... but most imptly its all for YOU...

comes full circle...

now i noe why i was thinkin of this for the night.

its funny how You think and the way You work in the lives of others and how You use others to get them to realise You exist. Call it coincidence? call it chance...

i'd say its just God workin in ppl.

just had a convo with one of my closest fren whom i havent been talkin to for quite sometime. and through dat convo realised tat the way out is to just accept there is no way out except relyin on the one who can lead me out of this rut i made for myself. like i said i m a refugee of my own doin...

well if u've been readin my previous entries and compare it to my old blog which is the defunct gonnjin.blogspot.com dat same tone of negativity, insecurity is there. there is like no sense of joy. no laughter nothing. its all negativity. i mean i chose to run, i wasnt forced to? i wanted to do it on my own but look i m tired, frustrated. and in an instant i can snap like no one's business. i hate everythin. nothing is workin for me. wat i need now is not advice.

and lo and behold like a God send, this fren of mine clicks on me and asks one qn that makes me say wat i've been keepin there for the past 3mths... and yea like i said. its funny how God works. and i guess all this while i've been running and nothing happenin has made me reli tired. and i guess its abt time i stopped and return to whr i was. its not easy but i noe help is ard me.

i wont make a resolution coz they'll never work. but rather just pray b4 i slp tonite tat the fire tat once burnt bright rekindles in me and be used to warm others who are cold inside... well finally i feel the drops of water falling frm this frozen heart of mine. and like a big blow on my head, i can think clearer now. no more wondering thoughts or mild insane imaginations. its just now keeping my heart, mind and soul focused on Him and not lose sight of the goal.

i noe this may sound crazy but suddenly i can feel the strength i used to hv. but at least m clearer nw. but dun expect a changed man overnight. lol. i noe it'll take time but i guess i wonder wat's in store for me dis yr... :)

its as if my new yr begins now.... well thankfully it did :)

iced up isolation...

maybe ppl noticed... maybe they didnt... tat all this while i've been running. From who i m not reli sure... but suddenly like my biggest secret un-earthed unconsciously i find myself frozen..

why frozen? i never noticed anythin wrong with me till u said i m isolating myself... then it cracks... images of my past actions appear in a flash showing wat i've done as i isolate frm the pack... do i want to fade away? do i?

y isit i'd wanna be in my world alone? i dun got any idea...why is it i always prefer to walk alone... wat am i hiding? wat m i running away frm? even as i sit here thoughts running so fast i m unsure of wat to put down... i've got nothin to bitch abt... i've got no one to hate? to love?

honestly... i do. i m beginning to hate whr i am. beginning to hate this whole process of living life freely coz i just live it irresponsibly. i give off the coldness of a viscious rattle snake or even a taipan tat with slight provocation i strike not knowing the damage my venom has on others.

i think i m insane. i think i m some kind of character i watched on tv and one day devise a plan to destroy humanity.what power. wat divinity...wat rubbish.

encased in this cell, i shudder at the thought of a hell.
an abyss whr nothingness is the key
i look across i see life, i see happiness
but i care not to take it
i rather kp frozen then melt and be forced to protect it.
is that why u walk away?
feigning wat u noe is right?
who would've known dat all this while
the real prob is u?
U chose wat to believe...
U chose wat u wanted...
U chose to be insane...
U chose to be frozen...
coz who knows after all...
u chose to be this way...
and only U know the way out...
the longer u wait...
it will never come...
the time is now..
U decide...

i am in a world whr i is the rule. my love for others grows cold. my love for self destruction grows ever stronger. is this wat u call self sacrifice?

in a few more mths...it'll be over... just a few more mths of isolation. building up that wall preventing outside penetration...

sighs... its all just random... someone get a wrench and hit me on the head... gorge out my brain and splatter it on the road ahead... drag my body and torch it good...and when i m done let the crows come down and feast on me... let them taste me... let them taste who i am... at least i noe i m giving another life and become a part of something bigger than i...

ps. considering the nature of wat i hv written...dun take it in too seriously... its nonsense...

pps. i m a refuge of my own doing... this is not reality...

i'm soo high?

well... alls well and ends well. or so i wanna think lar hahas. anyway violence, i guess will fade. but i hope the feelin i have today wont lar. coz why?

JUST LIKE DAT LOR!!!

hahas. yes its been a day whr its just like dat. happiness today was somethin i never had. the crappiness was somethin i wish i could play less,(awkward pause) i noe i may not be able to help it but hahas yea... its just like dat lar...

anyway beside d pt, i just like wonder that after today, everyone is reli entitled to wat they wanna say and respect their ideas and just accept it in our stride... cant please everyone can we rite? :)

flowing thought...

cant believe how it gets to me
attrocious, I become viscious
there r nice ppl out there
but would i be too much for such nice ppl?

sighs...
wats it gotta do with me?
thinkin too much
thinkin too far....
psychedelic...

i fear sometimes or most times of reli saying wat i want in here its just so open. i mean wat can i do? its the world wide web? if i want attention i just put up PORN pics or something and ppl will just flood my space. and if i like type a word that is v.scandalous, at the end of the day i'll get blasted. man ppl on the web are sometimes reli pathetic. okok i dun mean to insult anyone but reli we who use this domain gotta reli be careful in wat we say wat we do coz we wont noe who is watchin, reading or coming by to read u... ur inner thoughts... inner mind. and if u hv the time to trace it all up u may find out who this person reli is.

oh wells... if u just dropped by, and u dunnoe wat in the world i m talkin abt.... well thanx alot for takin ur time to just drop by.

may i wish u good health and good fortune and may the force be with u.

ALWAYS :)

broken back coz i fell off a mountain...

Violent intentions...

as the days go by. i realise i m harbouring alot of anger in me. i dunnoe y. i just feel like punching someone. Kicking or just thrashing someone beyond recognition. i dunnoe why i feel so frustrated or put it plainly just angry.

i m merciless. proud. unforgiving...

honestly...

i reli m just being me i guess. the violent side of me. whr sporadic punches and kicks are ways of saying hello and goodbye? whr stamping on feet and slapping faces are ways of disturbance or of expressing unhappiness.

whr does this lead me?

*sighs... I hate being so negative. hate being so irritating. hate being a nuisance when u noe u r pretty insignificant to everyone else when everyone else is stuck in their own world. Is this reli me?

don't read too much into this...

it may not be true...but rem the keyword is may not so there is still a possibility...

well...

i dun noe...u fill in the blanks? lol

thank God for frenz...

i reli appreciate my frenz ard me... and i say dat i noe someone is watching me every day... well there was this one day i was suppose to meet my dad at some location but somehow i got it mixed up so i waited like for 20 min b4 i realised dat i was at the long place. The worse thing was not being at the wrong place, it was not having a phone at all. so at that moment i just waited and waited. Then somehow, i guess perfect timing to say my old pri sch fren popped by and to tell ya its been awhile since i last seen him and thankfully he had a phone. so i kinda like told him my situation and asked if i could borrow his phone. Then the worse thing was that it was a prepaid card so i felt bad calling. but somehow my dad didnt pick up but ended up calling back which was a good thing coz my frenz phone was free incomin... well how else can i say it?

then there was only yesterday when i reli reli started off on a reli bad day...i kinda like woke my bro up in the bad side of the bed... and yea it was bad to the pt i struck him with my bk in which i was using to revise an upcoming test... well striking my bro wasnt the thing... the thing was dat i struck him pretty hard till blood trickled down his nose and dat whole mornin i was haunted by dat face...

it was as if i had broken a certain trust of being a bro. A certain decorum. A manner of behaviour associated with me was shattered tat morning. And when he sat there in the living room looking at me with a mixture of disbelief and anger and disappointmen and hurt. He struck me in return. Worse than any nose bleed could or even a bruise. He didnt have to shout or say anything. That gaze was enough to unsettle my heart. Unsettle me for i wondered what kind of a brother am i?...

well i was glad there was cca tat day. and thankful for cleopatra, one dragon and royal fish for just hearing me out but i reli appreciated dragon. i know with names like dat u'd expect him to fry u with his flame but this one dragon i admire alot. although he scares me sometimes with his chin hits but even so he just heard me out dat day. and was thankful he was there to listen to me say wat i wanted to. and not forgetting cleopatra and royal fish who dropped in once in awhile to hear me out. well i stil havent done wat i am suppose to, my family ties at home seem so messy dat i dun wanna think abt it for now.

then there was today. learnt more abt pengs and lien. they r reli good buddies to be with.

if not for these ppl i wonder how would i be right now? i feel reli blessed for ppl ard me. and those r just some examples lar. not saying i neglected the rest. just some of the highlights of my already down trodden wk.

frenz.. its a God send.

and i guess i am choosing to just kp on smiling even when i m down and out coz like who noes someone out there reli needs dat smile to remind em tat life isnt dat bad after all. and i dun wanna pull ppl down even more...

well all i can say is dat i hv a dream. can i reach it? i think i can? i know i can? but will i do it? wil i take this step to achieve it. i know the hurdle. i know wat must be done. but will i do it? somehow it has to start. i dun wanna live my life regretting dat i never did. but i noe words are just words.

quote of the day.

"why must you reach her std?
the challenge is me."

now u see why? thank God for frenz...