sot sot wk....

i think its the result of 2 duties in 3days plus the long nite last nite plus all the things ard me tat i feel so jaded...

forgive this thoughts and feelings and all this negativity tat is brewing in my mind. i realise i cant kp havin "sot sot" wks accordin to one person. and ya i guess i gotta learn to accept things as they are. coz i gotta face it. there are wks like this and i know that God will always hv somethin better in store and the reason i'm in such a circumstance is becoz he wants me to see the lessons tat are in store for me. Maybe i wont see it now but in time to come. like now why do i feel as if i'm so frustrated so feelin tat nth is workin and even doubtin the mandate given me. then again i remember this verse tat assures me tat everythin is in his hands not mine and there is no pt to be frustrated or so affected because God is in control and its HIs not mine and i take no credit nth at all.

unless God builds the house the laborers labour in vain.... PS 127:1....

and honestly i guess for the plans tat are set forth unless God builds and works and moves we labor in vain...and i guess tats the issue i'm tacklin within. trust. a crisis of belief. wells i guess not only tat. thoughts of wat i wanna be....oh wells....anyway was thinkin of this song lar will highlight the main pts....

and i guess wat i reli need is a good nights sleep....and spend tonight with Him...honestly today in service i reli missed Him. and i thank Him for lettin me know tat.

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold insideI
will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me

‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

hmmmmm

ok cant seem to sleep since i came back...must be becoz of the tea i drank and the tea tat was suppose to be ice water i drank back at the jap restaurant my frens and i went. well honestly dun wanna sleep coz my phone died and there's no alarm and i dun wanna be wake up late for church.

may wonder why at such an hr why am i typin...hmmmm i wonder too. oh wells i realised when i got back bros arent home just my parents and some other guy i've nv seen b4. ok feelin the effect of the nite wearin on me...or literally being up for 24hrs with i think 2hrs or rest??? geez....aint no super man.

anyway haven reli had a good rest for the past 3days...dun wanna complain or else my mom would nag me again and say why din i come home instead....wells ok made a few judgement calls today.

anyway in need of seeking again. after the msg at yaf and the circumstances and the things before it, it seems as if its another time of seeing God's hand at work.

anyway gonna get some shut eye before i collect my thoughts and just come to him...with all this worries...and i guess i'm not alone when it comes to this....thnk God...

oh wells lets see wat later brings...

it seems as though it's a guessing game
hoping for things that seem uncertain
but why do we still hold on to them
even when the times grow dim and troubling

faith is the substance that is hoped for
evidence of things not seen
show me your faith without your works
I'll show you my faith by my works

whr do i place my trust my all
in me myself alone or in creatures below?
or you creator the Lord of the world
who made the heavens and the earth

my rock, the chief cornerstone
now here i am on bended knee
I sin and still sin my Lord
create in me a new heart pure for thee

I cannot stand the pain i go
deliver my thoughts from temptation within
that my members wont sin against thee


anyway lotsa thoughts in my head...wanna just sit and pray abt it...i guess b4 i lay down later...its regardin some issues lar and some things tat somehow caught my attention today.

open the eyes of my heart Lord...

dun give me tat shag look...

17 days since i've last written here. cant seem to reli find time. sometimes it feels like i'm on a dessert plain wandering out in the wilderness. but its absurd to even think tat way. oh wells been havin back to back wks where things are just back to back. relishing a moment to just breathe and relax and find time to be doin wat I want.

anyway this wk aint no different. but yea been thinkin of lessons learnt and moments whr God was there. pretty basic stuff huh? wells was wonderin wat am i gonna be was wondering wats in store for me?

oh wells wat else can i do when I'm countin down the days whr I've enjoyed many blessings and am looking forward to more. be it good or bad they are in their ways blessings aye?

anyway my boys i guess are reli one of a kind, they're beginnin to sound like me and think like me which is scary...

anyway cant reli slp tonight...ya dunnoe why but the bed doesnt seem so beckoning hahas. oh wells I dunnoe wat tomolo brings or whr I'll be but watever it is though we're tired at the end of the day we're promised rest...wells lookin forward to this wkend...and in 2wks time its just letting the numbers fall off the walll and finally take a break frm all this and i guess get a spiritual recharge.

anyway here's a thought i was thinkin of on the bus trip home....

if it were only simpler to not have known all this,
to carry on goin the way I want,
to indulge to get lost in the crowd
and hv no worries or a lil voice that pricks my heart

if it were only simpler that things are going my way
where i could make things happen for me alone
where I hv no worries no burdens to carry
and people need not bother for my soul
for this life is for me alone

but you've won me
You've set a mark on me
You bought me with the price of your blood
Oh why saviour did you bother to die for a wretch like me?
Coming down from your glory to set this sinner free
I can't understand this great redemption plan

Even now on my knees I plead that you'll
Guide my feet and direct my path
For you are the example, the healer of souls
The sinless man, the hope for all

If ppl saw how simple it was to be on our knees
asking Christ for everything
Even when we are weak, He makes us strong
Even when we sin and are sinning, He pleads on our behalf

You gave the word, you are the word
You prayed for me and still are on your knees
You are my king and you rule my life
even though I still flee and rebel
You will never let me go for everything was done
the day you were nailed on that cross
I can never thank you enough nor say i deserved it at all
yet the love you show I must now reflect it to all


oh wells few more hrs before i'm off to my sunny island...reli need your strength...and yea i reli wanna thank you for everything. it may feel tat i'm alone sometimes but somehow u find a way to remind me tat you are jehovah jireh...we all know the correct answers, we all know wats there to say but do we reli tell him all our struggles or just let pass and say nvm...anyway i guess even when we're tired of life and the things ard us, God does say dun give me tat shag look...i'm with you always...wat a promise aye?

face the truth...

acts11:26"....And the disciples were called christians first in Antioch."

was thinkin of this verse after my talk with my parents the night before. apparently it weighed in my heart to just think of this as i take another step in my walk. I realised that in my mind I may have been a "christian" since i attended my first "bible school at Holy Light" where i read and held my first bible. Where I learnt the choruses I sing and am familiar today. Where I went to BB(junior) where I got to know some basic drills and yar discipline and stuff. After my time at that church came the reformed baptist years where I just tugged along with my parents and not knowing wat it reli meant. I guess I knew but I din reli believed it in whole.

ok wells wont start tellin my life story, but somehow wat my parents told me brought me back to earth. its sad yet its true tat I myself admit tat maybe that despite all the good things tat are happenin outside eg. my NS life, church and ppl ard me...it seems tat the one tat reli is not happenin is probably at home. Wells I know I've not done enough but who has I wonder? There is only so much we can do and ya if i were to go to the specifics I'd probably won't dare to lift my head and say I'm ok....

"Are you asking me to pray a prayer and not look back and trust in it tat in every SINGLE MOMENT OF MY LIFE I'll practice you being right there tat in the words I say, deeds I do, it's all through YOU?"

"THe walls of my compartmentalised world are crumbling as I see my life reflected on the word. What does it mean to be true? And you've shown me what it means time and time again, that even now in the most littlest of things...How true am I?"

"I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind..."

When I stepped into church today, I felt like the worst person to be there. In the song singing, and even the prayer and stuff, I just had no peace in my mind. Then came the sermon, it looked like a familiar chapter, read it time adn time again, but it surprises me that He can comfort you through correction. THe most memorable moment today was the story of that old lady who knocked and knocked and never gave up on those playful boys behind those closed doors. She was doin wat was right. As I thought of tat i related it to my life, how have I been knockin on closed doors? In the doors of the hearts of those at home and those in places I am placed in? I know I should but I dun? Its good but I dun do it...We have to be brought back down and keep ourselves in check.

"Forgive us oh Lord for not being true,
So full of ourselves we live aloof
Breakthrough this hardened heart
Humble this prideful soul
Lord my master my all"

Then will You shine through the crevices of my life
For none can withstand the wonders of your ways
Renew our desires, make our hearts on fire
For you oh Lord my master my all

"Now I'm redeemed by the blood of christ
I'm living a life that's sanctified
Not by any means of my own
But through the work of the Cross alone
You are the potter I am the clay
I surrender my desires, my hopes today
For what am I but just a vapour
That is here for a moment then vanishes away."

Then will You shine through the crevices of my life
For none can withstand the wonders of your ways
Renew our desires, make our hearts on fire
For you oh Lord my master my all

I don't know about tomorrow...but I know I have a place in eternity.

Thank God.

interesting?

kinda wondering what to blog right now. Just returned frm the sunny island, and yea thank God for another eventful week. Hais. As much as I have many complaints I guess I have many more blessings.

Was just thinking how today ended, how it just occured to me to tell them off for being so prideful and haughty, how disappointed I was that despite the weeks of being tgt they still arent together. I thought tough times would unify individuals to become one. But I realised its much more difficult than it seems. Its difficult when personalities clash when ppl u trust betray u and u get arrows which are undeflectable and sometimes making professional mistakes. tired is one thing living with the weight of it is another...sometiems i wonder why bother? makin em do push ups sit ups crunches wont reli drive home much...but sometimes egos gotta be hurt.

if we din let our hearts be pricked our egos be broken how could we even bow down our lives to Him? i guess an example of this was during a verbal fight tat broke out. one of my boys who is outspoken and another whom i noticed a silent observer. and today they just broke out in a verbal argument tat could hv led to somethin tat i'd probably be v.sad abt coz one of em is reli my fav boy. BUt yea it got pretty heated and they acted like i wasnt present so i just observed and interestingly everyone thought it was a small thing and they wanted to avoid the whole conflict and surprisingly the both of em din let down. It seemed like any moment they'd throw a fist at one another.

One kept just takin the verbal blows and the other just kept throwing words at him and said things like "ur attitude sucks" "dun think ur so big" bla bla bla....it seemed like it could be resolved but it kept draggin and they were both goin in circles and i guess i couldnt take it anymore and told them both to shut it and told the onlookers to go away and i had a word with em. and i guess it seemed my words weren't sinking in till i guess i told the attacker tat on who's standard was he basing the other's attitude on? BOth of em are in the same situation. BOth of em have gone through lotsa "shit" and they both know one another to some extent and i noe the attacker knows him and it wasnt nice to say wat he said. SO i said under wat authority do u hv to tell him off when u urself arent in the right? ANd i did say in the end neither are right nor wrong. Its just a misunderstanding and i told the person who absorbed the attack tat I wont allow this to just go especially when he said he doesnt care abt the other guy as the latter doesnt accept him so his friendship ends there because it'll affect the unity of the rest of the boys. Both are influential and i cant afford two feuding parties. because this cant be the way especially when there is still 4wks to go and events tat require their cooperation...

I told them both tat this cant happen and shdnt happen. ANd i told the attacker since he knows the other guy, there's another way in tellin him if the latter goes overboard with his anger or sayings. But I pray now that this will make the rest see the bigger picture becoz at the end of the whole saga tat they all need one another if they are to finish this race together. Even the told to be In-charge cant get em to co-operate that they ended up not follwing his orders, that i challenged them and even said if u think ur reli good come take my place. They wrote down in their goal and stuck it on their walls for all to see that they will go through all this together. And i just threw it back at em adn said u all write all this just for show and its just BULL....

and yea as i sat here and thought of this incident i realise tat if we're in the Lords army we need each other right? even if there is one dispute we hv to settle them and not let it go and say its a small thing because it can affect morale and even the faith of each other...wells its just interestin.

anyway just been challenged....and its a thought tat just appeared, feeding. I need to keep feedin myself and i realised tat in times of dryness the signs of drought appear...oh wells am prayin a specific prayer now. its reli tryin to keep feeding and i guess especially when i flare up sometime i let slip some profanities....but yea its not ok....but yea... ok will end here...

anyway what is prayeR?

"Prayer is an offering up of our desires unto God for things agreeable to HIS will, in the name of Christ, with confession of our sins and thankful aknowledgement of His mercies."

Prayer is the soul's sincere desire,
Uttered or unexpressed
The motion of a hidden fire
That trembles in the breast.

a reflection of James4...

If a burden is reli a burden we will be on our knees right now and pray and ask for more grace in our lives and for God's leading to reveal His will to us. Rather than pass judgement or criticise or comment or make a stand regarding others lives or gossip, hv we considered praying and putting our hope that the answer they find is OUR ABBA FATHER?

I understand that I am not the solution to everyone's need. Nor am I sayin that I am their source of strength, hope and joy. For a person to realise their inadequacy, don't we see that they are in need of Jesus our LOrd? Praise the Lord! FOr isnt that a breakthrough? That the word like a mirror reflects one's true self? That they don't dare look up to Him and say i'm alright but like the tax collecter beating His chest and says Lord have mercy on me a sinner. So who is the answer? Us? or Is it CHrist? Who is the foundation of the victorious life we describe one whr we can hv no guilt? Thus do we say such things tat would end up discouraging them rather than lifting them up in prayer and reminding them that Jesus is always with arms wide open waiting for them?

1cor3:11 "For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ"

I agree that some people are living double lives(could be us as well), and I know that some ppl have not come to the same understanding of who God is as us. NOr have they fully submitted their all in all to Him. Rather than stretching out our hands we are merely waving our fingers and pointing our their faults which hurts them and makes them turn away from us and in the end our intention of doing good ends up backfiring on us.

I am glad you see the flaws of other's but have we seen our own flaws before we speak of others? If we care would we speak so strongly against what is happening around and deny that God is in the midst of them? Will we hold so strongly at our own understanding and beliefs and deny the process of it all? God works in ways I myself couldnt fathom? Do we know HIs thoughts? Do we see his mind? Even if we do so what? Our understanding of Him is beyond us. But i know And I've been prayin since the time I know that He will do somethin and I've held on to that hope eversince, maybe I didnt believe it all the way, but after last week and seeing lives change SLOWLY, I know I must hold fast like never before. So Do we assume what is goin on without asking the source of our assumptions? If a man were to run a mile isn't one step progress? It takes time? Do you place hope in Him to begin His inner work in them as He did with us not too long ago? Why do we end up hurting one another so unneccessarily?

And to those affected, how do we react and face a situation as such? Do we hurl back harsher words or do we hate the person for what the person says? How can we be brethren and be of Christ if we war over this? FOr there may be some truth in it? Have we stopped and thought about it? But if you are assured of where you are, how would you best react to this?

Because of that I couldnt sleep for a night nor could I remove this thought from me. I cant allow strife or discontent to happen over somethin so trivial and end up havin brethren hating one another for how are we to fulfil the new commandment-to love one another as I have love you- isn't that a mark of a true disciple? That even we who know what shd be, we have to have the patience of our Lord(imagine Him teaching his disciples-they weren't an easy lot) and the prayerfulness of our Lord. And I thank the Lord for James 4....for reminding me again where our source of wars and fighting come from and again that we are after all sinners saved by grace, that we have to humble ourselves and pray.

[1] From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?[2] Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.
[3] Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.
[4] Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.
[5] Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?
[6] But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
[7] Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
[8] Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
[9] Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.
[10] Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
[11] Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.
[12] There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?
[13] Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:
[14] Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
[15] For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.
[16] But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.
[17] Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

I believe this passage will speak to you as it did to me. And if its opportunity you want then remember that its the Lord who opens the door no man can shut and closes the door no man can open. He places us where we are for a purpose. Even if we are frustrated or burdened that things don't seem to be what we desire, it says to cast our cares upon Him. Maybe we aren't praying enough or maybe we have but we are not prayin aright? And i pray that I wont come off as one who is speaking evil but rather I want all of you to know that we have to mind what we say for we may not know how our words may stumble others or discourage others or affect people's perception. I know the Lord is stirring the people's hearts and its in HIS time tat personal revival will begin for He has assured me that it will happen. When? I'm not sure but we have to keep prayin and upholding them in our hearts and day by day uplift them to God, ANd God is no respector of man even the vilest of man can He use to bring Him glory after all its all to His glory. It is not us who chose Him but Him who chose us. And if now is the time where ppl come face to face with who they are that they are living in guilt, pray that GOd will breakthrough all their guilt, shame and pain! For who are we but mere instruments in your greater work of salvation!