face the truth...

acts11:26"....And the disciples were called christians first in Antioch."

was thinkin of this verse after my talk with my parents the night before. apparently it weighed in my heart to just think of this as i take another step in my walk. I realised that in my mind I may have been a "christian" since i attended my first "bible school at Holy Light" where i read and held my first bible. Where I learnt the choruses I sing and am familiar today. Where I went to BB(junior) where I got to know some basic drills and yar discipline and stuff. After my time at that church came the reformed baptist years where I just tugged along with my parents and not knowing wat it reli meant. I guess I knew but I din reli believed it in whole.

ok wells wont start tellin my life story, but somehow wat my parents told me brought me back to earth. its sad yet its true tat I myself admit tat maybe that despite all the good things tat are happenin outside eg. my NS life, church and ppl ard me...it seems tat the one tat reli is not happenin is probably at home. Wells I know I've not done enough but who has I wonder? There is only so much we can do and ya if i were to go to the specifics I'd probably won't dare to lift my head and say I'm ok....

"Are you asking me to pray a prayer and not look back and trust in it tat in every SINGLE MOMENT OF MY LIFE I'll practice you being right there tat in the words I say, deeds I do, it's all through YOU?"

"THe walls of my compartmentalised world are crumbling as I see my life reflected on the word. What does it mean to be true? And you've shown me what it means time and time again, that even now in the most littlest of things...How true am I?"

"I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind..."

When I stepped into church today, I felt like the worst person to be there. In the song singing, and even the prayer and stuff, I just had no peace in my mind. Then came the sermon, it looked like a familiar chapter, read it time adn time again, but it surprises me that He can comfort you through correction. THe most memorable moment today was the story of that old lady who knocked and knocked and never gave up on those playful boys behind those closed doors. She was doin wat was right. As I thought of tat i related it to my life, how have I been knockin on closed doors? In the doors of the hearts of those at home and those in places I am placed in? I know I should but I dun? Its good but I dun do it...We have to be brought back down and keep ourselves in check.

"Forgive us oh Lord for not being true,
So full of ourselves we live aloof
Breakthrough this hardened heart
Humble this prideful soul
Lord my master my all"

Then will You shine through the crevices of my life
For none can withstand the wonders of your ways
Renew our desires, make our hearts on fire
For you oh Lord my master my all

"Now I'm redeemed by the blood of christ
I'm living a life that's sanctified
Not by any means of my own
But through the work of the Cross alone
You are the potter I am the clay
I surrender my desires, my hopes today
For what am I but just a vapour
That is here for a moment then vanishes away."

Then will You shine through the crevices of my life
For none can withstand the wonders of your ways
Renew our desires, make our hearts on fire
For you oh Lord my master my all

I don't know about tomorrow...but I know I have a place in eternity.

Thank God.