it's reli not abt me...: conversations with the conscience...

Was just burdened to think of this story....Was pondering upon the verse in 1 Thessalonians 5:19 "Quench not the spirit" Was recollecting and reflecting on my life currently and basing it on events in my life previously. Ok will start the conversations. Not sure how long will it be.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY TO ME! Been too long. Been too naggy. YOU ARE A PAIN! Every time I do this you will always caution me, you will always stir back memories.

WHY WONT YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME BE!

Sometimes when people see me, they have this expectation. This expectation that I"m suppose to behave in a proper way. Suppose to do all the right things. Suppose to have the right friends. BUT LOOK, I just made some wrong choices ok. ANd you don't have to stand there and wag your finger at me! I know what you are driving at. I love being in this mess. Far better than the so called "holy-holy" stuff you tend to remind me about. Its so much easier enjoying moments like this then to feel all alone again and bored out by what this pathetic life offers.

You are of no help. Your words go past me. Every time your word goes out, I feel the pinch but that's all there is to it. Just a pinch. I'll rub some ointment and I'm back up again and ready to embrace the "Monstrosity" you describe. You are no different than me. You can't change my mind anymore. I've grown out of you. TOO LONG HAVE I WASTED MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU! TOO LONG HAVE I KEPT YOUR VOICE RINGING IN MY HEAD. BE GONE AND SEVER YOURSELF FROM ME.

I don't need you anymore.

It saddens me to see you in this state. I've watched you grow from the day you were conceived. I've seen your ups and downs. From your first footsteps to your first bruise. I've always been watching and waiting for you.

For many years I've waited at your door. I tried my best through your closed heart to whisper my word hoping you'd hear my voice, I even prayed that ABBA FATHER would break down that pride. And yet your heart remained guarded, ignoring my voice, my wisdom, my guidance.

And so this went on till at last I cried, I broke down that door that stood at the entrance of your heart. And there I saw you cowering in your shame, I held u up and clothed you in my blood that was shed for you and embraced you and called you my child. For you admitted your folly for leaving me out of your life. For falling for someone who couldn't love you the way I could only do. To accept all of you your faults, your strengths your fears. I covered you and held you and ABBA FATHER and all His hosts rejoiced.

You were as the deer that panteth for water. Seeking me day and night, longing for my presence. Daily you'd lift up your songs of praise. You were in awe of me. You were amazed by me and you glorified me in all that you did.

But then as life went on, you grew less fond of me. Every time I came you were too busy. And our communions would be lesser as you grew older. Your love for me was divided. Slowly that door I once broke, you rebuilt. Like the walls of jericho you encircled yourself within. You sang less songs for me, you began to put me aside.

Then crisis came. You were fumbling. You were desperate for answers. You were desperate for a sign. But you looked everywhere except at that place I was standing. But you resolved it because I allowed you to. Yet you did not acknowledge the grace that was given you. But you carried on in your pursuit. Because you've lost your first love.

I have never left you. I have always been watching you. Yet now you've placed me far away from you and doused me with your world's philosophy.

Why won't you leave? Why do you keep sending ppl to remind me? To tell me I've made a wrong decision? Cant you see that I am happy? Can't you see that I know what I am doing? I know you are watching out for me. I thank you 3times a day and maybe if I have the time another extra two times per day.

I don't see why you bother. I know where I'm going! I know whom I'm going to see! But why do you frown upon this choice i've made? I am strong enough. I've been able to see through it. I've been able to weather it. What more this? My friends approve and support me. They tell me how happy I look and feel. I am happy.

I've lost my joy in your house. There is nothing but abounding stress and shame. I can't see eye to eye with some ppl anymore. I've been asking you for help, but it seems you only stand there and wait. And still you frown upon me but what wrong have i done? You said to ask anything of you and you will grant me the joy of my heart? I've grown tired of waiting, tired of all this that I've clung on to this island where i've floated to. A haven away from all the harm and shame. But I still love you. But I can't fully love you like before because there is someone I'm more fond of than you. Outside your house what a gem this person is. Unlike those inside who live their "holy-holy's". This person is true, is real, and treats me unlike any other.

I don't reli need you much. But just keep in touch...

So shall leave it at this. The story has just begun....