a fire...
i guess i'd say i'd thank God for today. Somehow the things tat worried me seemed to fall away. That there wasn't any heavy feelin or so. Somehow this spirit of idling just came away. And like this feeling of joy came upon me. SOmethin i've never felt in a while and somethin tat i myself dont understand why it came upon me.
Now as i think, I wonder abt this yr 2007. In a nutshell I'd say my life began only at 2005, June.On that day like one of the fisherman by the sea of galiliee was called to come. And so I did as I cross paths with someone who's planted in me and shown me the reality of this God I've been "worshiping" for yrs b4 2005. (Wells to put it simply my life b4 June 05 was one tat would probably take up more posts than this) Wat I experienced and what I've heard and seen frm this person can be summed up as amazing. And I wasn't only blessed with one but 2 ppl in whom I saw wat it meant to be overflowing with God's love. And how they make this God seem so real to me. That besides being almighty all knowing and all powerful, He can be my freind encourager and source of strength. And in all unknowingness I can depend on Him for strength.
Not sayin my life since then has been one of pure perfection or pure holiness and being so righteous and stuff. But I guess my understanding and knowledge of this relationship has I suppose grown. Come 2006, this was the yr I guess I missed Him the most. For 6mths of the beginnin of the yr I was this disgruntled child who was angry at why ppl couldnt understand that it was the heart that God looks at not the form. This was due to the whole upsetness that i din mind till the beginning of the yr after my christmas play production. So Jan feb march april may june just became somethin like a routine. ALthough I did do wat i enjoyed. Got the gold in SYF and all, but somehow somethin was lackin. Even my grades din seem to show wat i could explain in words. I was studyin, probably not enough. Flunked almost every single test, be it chem maths or econs. only gp a disappointin c6 to be proud of which would put me in the 50++ or 60++ percentile of the cohort while the rest were like among the 20 percentile.
I thank God dat somehow I persevered. Even when my frens were feelin hopeless I always told myself there is alway hope. If we just stick to the plan and just kp working. But neither did I noe dat somehow I too was feelin the pinch of hopelessness as I felt the weight of revising and understanding all this crazy formulas and combinations suddenly hit my head.
Then came this opportunity to go to Thailand. Tat same person came calling again askin me if I wanted to go. I guess I just said yes becoz I wanted to see wat its like to be on such journeys. And wonder what would God have in store for me. I'm not sure when I was asked but since I had no prior commitments at all I just said yes. Then the whole thai workshops started. And we learnt all those mimes and stuff. I'd say it was difficult to come on a saturday afternoon where I shd be studyin at home and memorisin the mechanism of organic compounds. But I guess thank God dat i was able to pull myself out and see and learn. MOst of the stuff I guess I alr knew. The mimes and stuff. But it was the language dat i was hesitant abt. If mandarin had tones and I've alr havin probs with em how much more thai?
wells i'd say i just went through with it. And it was not too bad. I think the most impt aspect of those lessons is this. THe part abt learnin the thai songs. I guess God din purpose in us to converse in pure thai with em, however I think what He purposed was that we learn the songs. And boy did we noe how impt those 8 songs were to us. And how in those 3days the children could sing them again and again over and over again. ANd not once did the intensity of their singin changed. And I guess with these songs and our labour of teaching them to sing it and our constant blunders nvr failed to communicate our hearts for them.
Wells more on that later.
I suppose God has his purpose. After my syf stuff, I was completely left with nothing else to do but study. I did. I tried. Then came common test. Wells flunk. Then prelims, improvements in all departments but still 2 flunks. I guess tat was it. 20 days to A's and all i could say, how can I do this. than 10 days. I whined days I guessed to my frens, and all they could give was the same ans. Hang in there. or just study. But nothing satisfied my nervousness and weary. Than I suppose becoz the thai lessons were suspended for sometime, and i was told to come back, so I did. And we were sorta learnin our theme song.(ok some order of events may not be as it is...hahas goin as how disorganized my thoughts are i'll straigten the facts if u tell me if its wrong esp the time line. COz i kinda lost track of it.) God will make a way. And I guess God did make a way. In the lead up to the A's to calm myself I prayed and sang. When I came to sch while the rest were all still piahin their notes I prayed and said, God this is all I can do. Empower me Lord. SO for all papers all those days my mind was like, watever happens I know God will make a way.
Even now as I await my results, I know how I did, and some of the papers are reli scary...But I know in me I dare say tat even if I fail my A's i'll still go somewhr wherever he leads. Watever doors open or shown by HIm I'll take it. I will not be brought down by it. After all I've gone through. I know He will not abandon me.
Wells I guess out of all the months of 2006, the most amazing mth was december. Its kinda funny tat I am gonna call myself the foolish december christian of 2006 who forgot the blessings of 2005. Why do I say so?
Simply because thats what happened. In dec alone I got pleasant reminders of how blessed I was to be whr I am today. I learnt in chiangmai that God seeks not perfection, but wants willing servants to be vessels for HIm and through Him than perfection is seen. I guess I've talked abt this b4 in a previous post. But I suppose the blessing I forgot was the failure of my j1 lvl in 2004. If not for tat failure I'd be sluggin it out in camp servin my ns and would not be able to experience wat I've experienced. Even in dec, God somehow showed me tat He is working among the youth at church. Tat He is in control. I guess today I can say Lord its all in your hands becoz I know all I can do is just lift up this ministry to you. Coz I know I'll be in NS and wont be involved much. But i can be a prayer warrior for em. Just as there are prayer warriors for me. And I'm so blessed to hv met someone whom I hv unknowingly met yrs ago. Funny how God leads ppl and makes their life's cross and they be a blessing to each other.
Also in this mth of dec
wells u can press the play button now....
(supposed to write this in a previous post but since I'm reflectin so be it bear with the length ppl)
I suppose when the word Paraiso(paradise) comes to mind, I will always remember the family I hv in my country the Philippines. Becoz out of all privelleges in life I've never experienced the privellege of an extended family. Ppl who hv that same surname, and that same commonality we can call family. This trip in 2006 to Manila, Ilo Ilo and Dumaguete broke down all feelings of resentment i had for my country. The feelin of anger at it not being able to provide for its ppl and allowing so many evil things to occur. Namely havin corrupt men make laws and havin good men gunned down. Where money rules the authority as some would say. I'm not proud of this country I was born in. ANd after 15 yrs returnin to manila, my birthplace, I saw a beauty tats distinct frm all places i've been.
The warmth that the ppl give there, the service. But I suppose my heart goes out to the lost there. Somehow when my dad mentioned he wants to take a grp of youths to philippines and expose em to the street kids ministry in manila and to the rural areas in palawan, something burned in me. This desire to pray that if this was what God wants the youth to do.
After chiangmai and all the struggle we've been through how would my dad be able to manage it. and me how would i feature in this installment of God's plan? I mean I've been fed up with the political system and stuff and the kids hv to beg in the name of "pasko" for a peso or less just to earn extra pocket money? SOme pick trash and so on. HOw could I a fellow filipino allow this kids to live such a life? So i kinda purposed that I ought to do somethin for my country rather than expect it to do somethin for me becoz i suppose it has done somethin for me. It has made me seen how blessed my family is today. That I am here in singapore.
ALthough my brothers see paraiso as the wild lifestyle of beer drinking and eating to ur hearts content, for me paraiso is to see my land a country with dignity whr i can say it is paradise not only for me but for those of my fellow country men.
Big words I noe frm a small man. But I believe its not impossible when I hv a big God on my side!
ANyway wats my life ahead for the yr 2007? ARmy is one, two is this, my greatest desire is just to burn consistently this 2007, no more foolish dec christian. ALso for my bros, esp joel, he'll be alone in sch now and knowing who he is he may do somethin foolish. But i guess its for my bros to discover that somethin I've found. SOmething only God can show.
He's been faithful. And I dare say after all i've been through can i therefore say i'm hopeless. ANd its funny, how i've thought how hopeless i've been when my life verse has shown He was always there for me....
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