the last leap, the final straw... will this be it?... will there be more?...

i'd say the day draws ever so closer that in my moments of thought i think abt wat i do... i fall into lapses of doing wat i did and still am unsure if wat i did was wat i was suppose to do?... if i felt it was right would you agree with me? or will i be penalise for the technichality?... this yrs journey... is totally different than b4... i realise how much deeper i hv to go now becoz i seem so suppressed... i realise dat some of my features are always there( a painful habit of mine dat when u analyse my forehead u see the results of it)... and also knowing tat this is not only abt me...

i wonder sometimes whether i m too diplomatic dat i take out the poison frm the words i say... even the comments i hv may lose its sting by the way i say things... its like i hv no conviction in the things i believe in when i m put in the spot...dats wat i lack now. but is there time to find tat certainty? dat energy to splurge out and overwhelm everyone tat it would bounce off every single person? conviction. my stand. my worry is if anyone is aware.... tat watever they do it affects the person ard them. and i'd say no matter wat ppl say, if they dun get it... i agree we've failed... and i dun wan it to happen tat way... we've gone v.far together... learnt so much... worked so hard... and no matter wat ppl say we can do this....

i cant believe i m so transparent... so easily readible... n i guess i get wat u mean when u said wat u said... and i still rem wat u said tat day... abt confidence... i dunnoe if u noe dat i look up to you and i noe i shouldnt prove to you dat i can coz u puttin me whr i m... u believe i can... and i dun wanna let you down... i do qn myself if i m good enough... but time and time again i let myself down thinkin too much of how, what and why... i havent learnt to just do... do it with certainty... its only a matter of days... and the time is tickin... n i would wanna relish this one chance to put up a performance to remember...

after this...what next? will i carry on with this love of mine? i noe i need to kp on learnin... i wanna kp on knowing how to do wat you do... but m i up to it i qn myself time and time again... i dun think i m dat talented... but if u teach me wat it means to do... then i'll do it...

well for now...its 2 days more.... 2 more days of just letting it go!... and i must remember this is not only abt me... its a bigger picture... i hope those tat r in this know wat is at stake dat its no time of thinkin of comfort, thinkin of me and me... break out of it... take tat step... we are all in this together... think of the times we've sweated... we've hurted... we've cried... rolled ard and fought...and recently bitch slap one another... its this dat makes me believe we can do this...we've grown so lets not hold back...