coming to terms...

i sit here now thinkin... too much i suppose... since dat day i couldn't help but think... even as i listen to this song... it just gets me thinking... the wat if's... the why's? the how's! etc... but i guess wat i reli reli feel now is guilt. i noe internalising this would totally pull me down totally, but somehow i feel tat even if i suck it up and move on, the feelin is reli a let down... i went here and there, read this and dat... the msg is all different... i spoke to some, i sensed the same thing i was feelin in one but still how can i be certain of myself when there is so much uncertainty everywhr?

life goes on i bet... things happen for reasons... and i guess i rem writting in this place dat would it take a death to make me start living life? start gettin my family together once more... it came... it sucks to the core... but wat can i do? life is hard no doubt... life will hv those lil ups but more downs... but then again its those ups tat ppl strive for...tat they reach their end and forget their journey there...

no matter wat happens, wat news we get nxt wk, ppl(u noe who u are my dearest of dearest buddies) we made it there... whether we crumble is all up to us... like on dat staje.... whether we chose to see the landslide or the still standing mountain is up to us... definitely somewhere somehow all of us hv an empty feeling... a feeling tat is not quenched... screw the competition... is the technicalities more impt than the msg we believe in? or did we ever believe at first? did we ever want this? tats why i felt the guilt dat i was responsible... i was the let down... dat i let somethin take over me... but i tried... i dunnoe if anyone saw it? i m not saying i need to let u noe wat i did but who would assure me? i dunnoe but like this journey again its up to us how we write the unwritten...

i m coming to terms with it but i cant help seeing some still there, stuck in that moment... i hesitate to stretch my hand fearing i may be pulled in... but i dunnoe if i did help one or anyone to climb out of it... i noe yet i dunnoe why i m writting this here...

this would probably be the last time many of us will do this thing together... but i guess i still rem my dream... i m still learning... and like u said, u dun wan perfection coz nothing ever is and if everythin is perfect we wont be able to further improve ourselves... if its the gold we were striving for we hv forgotten why we did this...though the outcome will determine wat ppl may think of us... think again... they didnt noe we even did such a thing... but i'd say no matter the outcome, we gotta do this and show the world wat we're made of! but then again must we? is it all abt proving dat we are good? dat we exist? i guess now it strikes me tat its not abt all tat... its abt sharing... giving to the audience a part of us coz this is us... wat we did... we may do... is life... and like life we dun see everything to it and dun noe everythin either...its not abt winning or losing like in sports... coz its easy to see coz they play for glory... but we? is it for eternal glory?

i guess as the days go by, i will come to terms with it... no matter how long this blues may last... i hv to move on. i wont drag my feet no more and feel like the world is on my shoulders coz half the yr is gone... we hv to carry on and leave coz rite now the qn we shd ask is reli... wat are we looking for? Where is it? coz reli wat am i looking for? and where is it?