i'll just pen this down...

many people think that i'm just some mr "righteous" as experienced today. ANd I was thinkin wats bad abt doin wats right? Am I uncool tat I seem like so law abiding? SO upfront in your face goody goody boy? Wells apparently I feel that you guys can do bad better. (I say this in a matter of fact tone because I know during ur age I was much worse then u guys)

where do i begin?

when i was younger I believe thats where my double life began. I guess some ppl do noe abt me during primary sch I was a real hooligan. From the ages of P2-P3 I was like a mini warlord in my pri sch. Though my grades din suffer or anythin but despite coming from a christian background I just lived my life fightin for the fun of it. I rem getting caught for leaving the sch premise just to buy "capteh" during curriculum time. I even remember beatin this guy up and throwing a cupboard on top of him after sch. But I suppose the limit came when I was fightin in class during lesson time. The teacher was teaching and I was rolling on the ground. But that all ended when I was transfered to the first class of tat pri sch. I had found 2 friends. Good friends. And I think its by God's grace that I went to that class. From a hooligan I ended up becoming a prefect for the remainder of my yrs at that sch. I was "good" by ppls standards. But suffice to know that during this period I was in the discovering age. I picked up smoking for 2wks as I saw my elder bro doin it. Dun rem how many times i've tasted that deathstick during that period of time. But thank God i wasnt hooked because my mom found my brother out and soon enough supply was curbed. Also during this age I was introduced to pornography. Dirty shows. Degrading shows which I know has corrupted this mind of mine.

I can say blame it on my brother and his frens for coming over to our place to watch it. It was to me at that age interesting. I was wondering what was that all about. And honestly sometimes I wish that I hadnt been exposed to it(i'll explain when the time comes).

Anyway tat was one side of the picture(outside church) in church I was a gd boy. Unknown to many, I was singin in kids church had lotsa church frens, always had the head knowledge of Jesus and His disciples, was in boys brigade(even was squad leader by the time I was 11). I only knew the bible like bed time stories. It never meant more than anything. Memorising verses, Knowing the books of the bible, knowing all the names of God Had no meaning but a means to show how smart I am. That I know all this. I wore the name christian in church but outside of that, in my past time etc, I was just like anyone in this world.

Pretty much this continued till I went to sec sch. I worshpped in church. Sang praises to God but at home I was listening to music that cursed every few seconds and talked abt violence. One group I followed because of its sad lyrics talking abt the meaningless of life and how your life fades. I was attracted to it. Even the screaming and shoutings of one band attracted me so much tat i got "lost" in it.

Now coming to my sec sch years, I think this dual life syndrome was v.evident in sec sch. And it so happened that I fell in love secretly with this gal. Parents din noe but suspected it. I was still attending church and sunday sch like no one's business not knowing reli applyin the headknowledge into the heart. I was compromising. I was living in my own world for my own selfish desires. And the object of my love became an object of my lust that to this day I still thank God tat i din go beyond. I look back and realised that it was reli grace.

Anyway I would love to carry on but I think I'll jsut stop here. Shall pen it down another time. Honestly I dun think I'm reli dat good or perfect. I was reli foolish when I was young. Smart in my own ways. BUt God is reli amazing that He still saved a wretch like. Even though I feel abit infuriated with that comment it saddens me that many still live on borrowed faith. Not realising how gracious God is to them(like me before). Because like them when I was their age I thought I was alright. I thought it was ok. Just close eye here a lil bit. But bit by bit I could have lost more. BUt thank God that He restrained me. Taught me. And even now I do struggle with sins of my past. I daily pray for that continual hope that I'll be cured and free(because he's changing me). I still feel that I m the worse ard. So ya I'm not as good as u think. I'm still the sinner saved by grace. But everyday I know that if christ is the center of my life which I know He is. I am a new creature. Old things are pass away behold all things are become new. 2cor 5:17. And I believe that I m not who I was before. The things tat I like before I am not fond of anymore. I know my one desire. Its not to read the bible in a year. Its not to be more wise, but ultimately my one desire is to build on the relationship i have with my Lord.

amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me...