yours truly...

to say i'm fine right now, i'd be lying. To say i'm in a bliss of enjoyin my current situation. I'd be lying. To be honest m having a pretty tough week. It seems every day every moment i am put to test. There is always a choice to make a decision to ponder upon and at the end of it all as i lay down to close my eyes i think did i do well? not just in earthly things but spiritual one's as well....

As much as I m playin with fine lines and fiddlin in lil things, am I suppose to do wat I am suppose to do? DId i do right? Wats goin on? Am I thinking too much? Is there a problem at all? Shd I ever be alarmed?

HOnestly I still havent chilled yet. Even after a night or evening of chillin with my current boys and meetin up with some old pals, that burnin feelin still aches still pulls at the reins of my inner most being. So much so I feel so horribly empty. Honestly I'm kinda disappointed, hurt, sad or shd i say just plain old tired to even talk to the kids this days. For 11wks it seems tat they've never learnt a single thing. ANd i think is it me? Did i put my foot down? Did i lift my foot off? It seems like a losing battle all the time and reli to put it simply i just hate situations like this. Its who I am I guess. My expectations and a reputation I wanna build. SHd I be proud of them? SHd i be proud that they passed under my hands? As much as they are "enjoying" their lives now, watabt a yr and a half later? It all seems hopeless and all. IMagine you are entrusted 12 men to nurture and train under you and after one event u hv abt 2 left who are fit for action for the remaining wk while the rest fallout over some lil pain here and there. They laugh while others work and suffer. they talk to me as if there is nothing wrong and I'm understanding. They push their duties to others while they relax and break the rules. They think they're so smart that I can sense their mockery behind my back. It sucks reli. While others in my position can push their men to greater heights, I can only look forward to the day they get out of my life... Reli enough is enough.

NOw tats the disappointin thing.

I've reli given up... Pretty rare for me to say it but I believe this wk I've been sayin exactly the same thing thrice to different ppl and now I know why I'm like this, wat can I do when they use their doctor's slip as a shield or their lil pain and aches that i cant be bothered to decide if its genuine or not-just let em be then. You can sense tat disappointment then tats all I'm gonna show.

I'm beginning to rethink my outlook and approach. Beginning to examine wat went wrong. ANd why do I care that this ppl deserve so much brain juice frm me to the pt it saps at my energy and i forget to ensure the basics in em and others pt it out to me... Why did I spend my day with em literally barking orders and ensuring tat they do wat they're suppose to to do? Its been 11 wks and it feels as though its the beginnin of a course.... 3more wks and its over but will it? I'd say this was a real challenge and honestly i'm not taking second guesses nxt time. Maybe they'll see a different me nxt wk. They've seen too much of the lighter side, and i guess today i reli felt tired n reli awaken at the fact tat enough is enough. ANd as much as I hate to be the enforcer I've got to do it and reli tell em off. The smile they'll wont be the same again. Honestly I don't know wat to say anymore.

HOw can He use such a person at this moment? How can I be a blessing when I feel so horribly icky now? 3wks to make it happen, as much as I feel it will never happen i truly entrust this to You Lord... Maybe I'm in the wrong? But reli Lord forgive me if I've been immature. I know I doubt myself at times, I tend to double think my actions but Lord teach me to see that the goal is not to please men but you... And I truly just lay this at your feet and just surrender it all to you.... I know what I hv to do may be against my own wisdom but wat is man's wisdom compared to yours? I reli pray for your blessing in my life Lord that all glory will be given to you and as you expand my borders, in the remianing wks as much as my weakness has been exposed grant me strength to endure the disappointment n enjoy the comfort of knowing I've done wat is right in your eyes...let your hand be upon me and protect me frm evil...Direct my life in all that I do...

I need to take a walk...
Ps32:7
[7] Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.