jar jar rar...

hello ppl of the world! yes ppl of the world... well honestly realised dat now i noe there is more ppl who'd be droppin by then i noe of. after a few blog hops here and there finally realised ainit's been compromised... now they noe who i m... so much for anonimity...if dats how its spelt...well dats not the issue today... just realised how stupid is stupid does....

the crash of diary-x probably was a sign... oh gee well....

been thinkin through AGAIN... gosh...

realise i m colder than i used to be...the constant unhappy face is there...but when i m happy its just a glint. a faint shining ray tat disappears as soon as it comes...

i lost interest in my studies this wk. totally. restless. unfocused. undisiciplined. unmotivated. uninterested.

no more drivin force. haiz... it was just depressin trudging(dunnoe if i used this word correctly..) through sch. cant stand the hardworkers. puts me off. cant stand the show off know it alls. cant stand it when ppl are insensitive with the words they say(wells its as if i m sensitive at all). cant stand those who just ignore ppl's existence... but ultimately i just cant stand myself.

wells honestly i hate it when i come to a pt like this. and i picture myself on a plateau... no matter whr it goes its just a flat plane... not sayin its a good place i m in. at a pt whr i reli hv lost touch in who i m myself... like why do i do wat i do and why do i act the way i act? why do i come across diff frm wat i wanted to... like why i cant be like i was durin sec sch whr i knew i was... now i m nothin more than another statistic on a normal distribution curve probably at the left-hand side away from the peak. hai oh wells....

i cant smile... i need an external influence to make me... or i consciously make the "effort" to.

haiz...ignore this. its not impt. life is gr8. so wat? life is happening? is dat so? why am i so negative? hmmm i wonder too... like i can be super encouragin to a fren, yet i cant seem to get the encouragement and concern dat i need... i can go and advice yet i dun listen to any unless i reli hv to...

hypocrite... lazy...useless...

after all this...there goes my self... probably i m incoherent in my actions? probably i hv an inferiority complex? probably i hv this whole big block tat is preventing me frm being who i shd be... m i happy? technically i shd be... in reality not reli... but i m contented. am i? haiz.. hate my home... hate the environment but i dun hate the ppl... i love em...i respect em... but i cant understand why every time there is no peace at all...

actually...i dun hv a prob... i m makin it a prob for me. but its difficult for me to see the light now coz i m just blurred? overwhelmed by the dd dat everyone wants frm me. to be dat son. to be tat student. but wat do i want for myself? oh manz... cant idle anymore... everyone is movin forward... everyone is reaching their "target".... and i... cant take my life in stride... do i expect too much frm me?

haiya enough lar.... am tired of this... probably will end up as another headline on the cover of the newpapers or probably fade off into nothing... sayonara gdbye ppl.... if only it was tat easy...

but it isnt. tats the truth. there has to be hardship. but how long will i sit here and sulk and ask pity frm others and wait for miracles? they just dun happen... i wasnt put in this world to sulk and moan and groan... there are better and more pleasant things then dat... oh wells... probably no one will noe wat i m sayin here... probably no one reli cares huh?

well the big guy up there... u've watched me all my life... seen my most darkest moments. why is it now tat i doubt u? why m i lockin u out frm mylife? smacking the hand that has for this entire moment held me...embraced me... spoken to me... led me... its the ppl i guess dat disappoint me... i hv internalised the unspoken...and it lingers till now... i need a shrink... i dun need advice... i need an ear... coz i noe wat i will say wont make sense to you...then i will see my folly... like now even as i type its all in the heat of the moment... no prior thoughts...oh wells i'd be rattlin forever and gettin no where... but big guy... i reli need ur guidance now... i noe am being rude now callin u wat i just did... am sorry but u noe me... i've come this far with u. why did i let go?

in my mind... the pressure builds... its reaching critical... somethings wrong with the safety...
there i go... away... but i noe it wont stop this...