A long long journey...

It's really been awhile since I've been here typing my thoughts out. Really hv kept so much hidden frustrations in my head and heart for too long. Frustrations mainly at myself and how time and time again I hv disappointed ppl ard me. Anyway that aside. How have I been doing since i've last written in this place? Really long. Have not been spending solo time with my thoughts and just keeping them hidden and tucked away beneath the carpet.

I believe God has a purpose for everything that happens in my life. Like i've noticed how running away from fears doesn't solve any problem. It just delays the effect and deepens the wounds. This past 5 days in solitude taught me about burdens. Taught me that we hv to do our part and not give up. Even when it seems so tough there is always an angel sent by HIm( let me clarify, angel meaning it could be friends family who will catch u but of course I believe He does send His angels to watch over us) who will remind us and of course the Comforter who leads us along. This 5 days I had to confront my own fears. 5 mths of running and being helpless and not a word did I say or ask for help. O just let things be the way they are. I never prayed so much this past 5 days. And guess wat the facing of the fear has begun. Although it hurts, it's frustrating but I hv no one else to blame but me. I nv sounded off or told a soul. But i m praying.

Anyway something interesting, I never appreciated quiet time till the last 5 days ESP that one hr in the "forest" reflecting on my life. It may hv been secular in context but I know my God was there loving me. Just as ps 23 says thy rod and staff comforts me. What a breaking of the will this past few days.

Life and spiritual life are one. One affects the other. Our relationships on earth reflect our relationships btw our abba father and indeed I am disappointed in my own actions.. Anyway enough musings. I just hv to place my hope in Him. How much worse can all this get?